Saturday, November 30, 2013

Gonna be stopping my piano lesson..?

I guess none of you guys would have thought I would want to stop, right?

Well to be honest, I've been thinking of stopping since a few months ago.
My family had financial problem since last year, but recently it's gotten quite bad.

I don't know how many of you knows this, I didn't really let anyone know except a few very close friends.
It's something that I don't really mind letting people know, but yet it's something that's extremely hard for me to tell people. I think I've kinda written about in in my blog, jumbled up in a post and another topic, but meh I'll tell you guys here.

I don't have a dad, my dad passed away when I was 7 years old.
My mom is strong, she pulled through, and we managed to live quite a luxurious life, even though at times, things is quite hard too.
Anyway, that wasn't the thing that I didn't really let anyone know, though I guess not all of you know that my mom is a single parent huh?

Well the thing that I was talking about is that last year my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer.

It was after my SPM when I found out. She's known it all along during my SPM, but my mom kept everything to herself then. I guess she was afraid that it will affect me, and I guess she's probably right.
Anyway, that time when she told my siblings and I about that, I was so shocked. I feel like my life has been turned upside down. And yes, I guess my life was kinda turned upside down. I had to suddenly be a grown up in a short time and manage our family stuff during my mom's treatment. It wasn't fun at all.
It made me realize how horrible the real world can be.

Back to my story, that time during SPM, I was kinda stressed about what college will I go to too, and what I want to study. I've tried to discuss it with her, but she always brush me off impatiently and she would not listen to my study plans. She kept telling me to wait until my SPM is over and until I get my results first. Of course, I was frustrated and couldn't understand why she keep putting it off. I was so frustrated, I wrote a blog post about it. Click here if you want to read it.

Well, I guess you can imagine how fucking horrified I am after I found out about her medical condition. I still cringe when I think about it now, about how I behaved. It instantly became clear to me why my mom did not want to talk about my future, my mom can't predict anything at all.

Anyway, my mom went through treatment in December
She stayed in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, recovering, and continued her recovering process at home after 2 weeks. Basically during the month of December, I had to manage the family stuff for her, since she needed to rest.
It was a stressful month for me, so I went out a lot to try and get my mind off things. You can see it from my my blog post during December last year lol.

Well, all those talk and here is what it leads to.
My mom sold her day care centre since she can't work for a few months. The whole recovery process took a long time. December was her operation, and after that she has to start chemotherapy and radiotherapy. It took around 5 months for the chemo to complete, and another 1 month for radio. Those treatment are not easy, they're very hard for those that didn't know. Chemo is a really dreadful treatment.
My mom couldn't work while getting her treatment too.

Since my mom wasn't working, obviously there is no income since I don't have a dad. We got by with savings, and with the help of family and friends. And well I did went to work, that was some little income coming in, but still income nevertheless.

But now, I'm in college and it's hard to find time to work.
And fuck it, money is running low. Mom is still not working yet, she's trying to set up a business again though. But yeah, we have no income right now.

That's why I'm thinking of stopping my piano.
It freaking cost up to RM420 per month, and if I stop, that money could go to my room rental instead then, and it would help in some way.

I'm still hesitating in some way though.
There's only 8 more months until I complete grade 8, and my teacher is expecting me to go through the grade 8 exam next year. I want to stop yet I don't want to cause I kinda feel like it'll waste all my previous effort and time and money?

But then, I have kind of lose interest in classical music, and I find myself not really wanting to go to piano class anymore..I don't know if it's because my schedule is so packed that I don't find enough time to practice, or I really did lose interest. I'm super confused.
I dread my piano class, but when I got there and sit in front of the piano and start playing, I just feel like playing and not stopping.


Yet, if I continue my class, financial will be really tight, and what if I don't pass my exam?
I don't know if I'll have enough time to practice to get me to pass. I'll be wasting an exam fee of RM530 (which I need to pay next week IF I decided to continue) if I failed my Grade 8...
Yes, I don't have enough confident. I still remember how I rushed for my Grade 7 exam last year, struggling between SPM and piano..I passed, but not all that good, I almost made it to Merit, but I didn't :/

I'm so torn between continuing or not with my Grade 8 now..
It's only another 8 month of struggle, can I make it?
Yet there's the family to think about, the financial side fml.
And there's this worry of mine that if I stopped, I lose all motivation to continue in the future :/

And I really needed to think about whether I can manage my time or not..

All these problems was going through my head yesterday night, I couldn't sleep because of it.
I've never felt so torn between stuff before.

So I texted Bryan, at 2 in the morning lol and ranted all these stuff to him. The text came out 9 pages long LOL.

His reply was so clear and simple, I guess he kinda cleared my head?
He told me to stop temporarily, and if I have the determination, I'll start again later.

It made me realize that yes, I can always start again if I wanted to, and my previous time, effort, and money won't be wasted because I've gained the skills from the past 5 years I've been learning piano.

And so now, even though I'm still quite confused about everything, I've kinda come to this decision to stop only my practical lesson. I'll continue with my theory work, and I guess the reason why is that maybe I see it as something that will help me hold on to my classical music side.

I don't really want to lose it completely, typing this has made me realize I don't dislike classical music as much as I thought. I like it, just that at times it's hard for me to realize that. Classical music is after all, the first type of music that I love, and it helped shaped me and bring to how I am now.

Anyway, I still can't fully decide yet.
I need to talk to my mom, and to my teacher too...

But for now, I feel better, and to me it seems like the best solution.
My fee will decrease to only RM100, the RM320 can go to my room rental to help out, and I'll feel better about everything I guess?

For now, that's what I've decided.

And ........

Such post.
Much confusing.
Very long.

(Okay fuck this doge trend it's seriously affecting me lol. But putting that in cause this post is quite depressing)

Bye bye.

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