Saturday, January 31, 2015

Im tired.

Just kind of broke down...

Yesterday night I went out to a concert, last minute. My friend asked me to go about 2 hours before it started. Since the concert starts at 7pm, I didn't expect it to end so late, around 11.30pm. And the whole way home from Semenyih, we were stuck in the traffic for more than an hour. By the time I got home it's almost 1am.

I called mom last night, telling her I'll be home late. She was pissed, cause I told her I would help her out in the market the next morning. Last week I did as well, but I got home around 1am on last Saturday night and slept around 2am cause I was out performing for with my band. Obviously I was dead tired the next morning since I only had minimum sleep.

Since mom sounded so pissed last night, I told her to ask my siblings to help. SHE WOULDN'T.

Fine, I'll ask them myself. I can't let my mom do those work herself.
My siblings are okay with it, so it's settled.
Of course I felt guilty, after all I did tell mom I would be helping her out. But I'm dead tired, and I thought why not let my siblings do some work instead of me all the time.

Then this morning, guess what. Mom woke me up. Asked me to help setup the store. Fine. I'll help setup. My brother was already awake, he helped carry all the stuff mom needs to sell her stuff. And of course, I helped carry as well.

Once at the market place and everything is unloaded, bro went home. I helped mom to setup her store. After setting up, I felt light headed. I didn't have enough sleep, and I didn't have dinner last night. Feeling groggy, I asked mom why didn't she wake Kyee up cause after all Kyee said she will help.

Mom somehow stared daggers at me, and scolded me. Said I was always complaining and thought that she is being unfair and always thought I wasn't treated fairly just cause I'm the middle child.

Oh wow. You realized that yet you refuse to acknowledge it?
Fine, this I can still bear with.

Then she started saying that if I don't want to help she can do it all by herself.

If only she could...But my mom can't. Due to an operation she can't exert much energy in carrying stuff, that's why I made sure to ask my siblings to help....

Somehow after my mom said that I snapped. I ask her if she could handle the store herself. And guess what she said?
"What's your problem?!"

Wow.  You just told me that you could do it all by yourself.
Anyway I said I'm tired, and left. Along the walk home I was trying hard not to cry.

I felt terrible going home, but staying there made me feel horrible as well. I was so frustrated, I felt it's so unfair that she wouldn't ask my siblings to help instead of me. I'm still wondering if this is just me, my personal problem or if the situation really is unfair.

As soon as I got home I barged into Kyee's room and woke her up. At this point I was sort of feeling a little bit better, not wanting to cry anymore.

Kyee woke up, but she's damn reluctant to help mom. She said she doesn't mind setting up or carrying stuff, but she don't want to help with selling stuff.
I was pissed. I can't remember what I said but in the end she went.

Then I went into my room, and cried.
I feel horrible.
I can't understand why is it always me that have to help. Why can't mom ask my siblings to help? And why is my siblings so stupid that they can't see the sense in offering to help?
Worse, I feel mad at myself for feeling this way. I can't control my anger, my frustration.

I wanted to help yet when I do I feel so frustrated and angry. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough, maybe.
And when I don't help, I feel terrible. Feel like I'm the lowest of the low, which is how I feel now.

I feel caged.

I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm probably selfish but if I try to push it away any longer I'll burst.
Oh wait, I might already have.


Saturday, January 3, 2015

My 2014 in a nutshell.

To be honest nothing came to my mind after I typed that tittle. I was staring at it for a while before I began browsing through my picture albums to remind myself what have been going on last year. (And just using the term "last year" makes me feel weird.)

Maybe it's cause I didn't care much anymore, I find myself just flowing through days without classifying them into months/years. And to think that I used to be so conscious on all these stuff and would blog occasionally on what has been happening monthly lol.

Anyway, here's a short recap on what happened, just for the fun of my future self reading back. Sometimes I rofl at posts I've wrote few years back haha.

- Got a tattoo

- Resumed my piano lessons, and changed my mind about taking audio engineering as my career. Realized that I'm still in love with playing music and wants to be on stage

- Worked in a hotel as pianist for the first time

-Rescued 2 dogs at different times

-Went to Pulau Tioman with classmates

-Gained weight again T_________T (and giving up on the idea of becoming slim. ever)

-Financial status sorts of improved because mom opened up a shop, but it keeps dipping because business is quite unpredictable

-Became blonde lmao, but then dyed it to ombre black to purple cause couldn't be bothered to keep bleaching my roots (colors are faded now, so more like black to brown blonde ombre lol)

-Understood the importance of practice (piano) and doesn't feel pressured when I play the piano anymore

-Realized that I've changed so much from how I used to see myself, and to be honest it's kind of scary

-Danced in the rain for the first time (Bon Odori)

-Starts to have some interest in jazz music, but have yet to try playing it

-Fighting internally with myself over my own feelings for people

-Realized that I'm losing interest in quite a number of things (cosplay, certain people, band etc etc etc)

-Celebrated Halloween Night at Sunway Lagoon with friends!

-Tried on high fashion runway makeup lol

-Kind of gotten drunk on the last day (New Year Eve and New Year)

Okay this is sort of pathetic lel.
Not much achieved during 2014 I guess. 
They're all stupid non important stuff.