Sunday, September 22, 2013

Random thoughts and memories.

I'm actually blogging from my new laptop. Will blog about that later.

Anyway, I have this sudden wave of nostalgia sweeping over me just now.

Earlier today, I was talking to Bryan when I mentioned something about breaking his record, me having a crush on someone for a year. To be honest it started back in around end of September 2012 I guess, I'm not all that sure. And actually I'm not sure if I'm still liking him or not, my feelings is just a jumbled up mess.
Sometimes I feel for him, sometimes not fml. ._.

Actually to this point I don't know what to say lol. I guess I liked him for who he is, he was really nice. But I guess I was stupid enough to think that he had any interest in me. (laughs painfully) Okay, ouch, that hurts though. I might have over think stuff a little.
Anyway, we were just friends la, nothing much. I met him maybe like only around 4-5 times a month before my SPM exam.

Anyway, on the last day of my SPM exam, I saw that he got into a relationship with another girl. Actually I kind of expected that already, since I was always stalking his Facebook. ( I'm sure I'm not the only stalker out there ._. ) But even though I expected that, I was always stupidly deceiving myself sigh. And since he is so nice, he didn't really push me away or whatever people do when they sense that someone liked them but they have no interest in them.

He didn't push me away, but not in the sense that he's a playboy or whatever. I needed his help a lot that time, I pestered him to help me lol. He didn't say no. I guess this is the reason why I kind of deceive myself.

Anyway, continuing from the day I saw that he got into a relationship.
Well, I was awake around 5.30-6am that day, I don't know why I woke so early, but I was just lying in my bed, scrolling through Facebook. Then BAMM, I saw this piece of news.
I guess I didn't feel much at first, then slowly the hurt creep in. I feel...empty? I don't know.
It was a horrid start to a supposedly happy day lol.
Anyway, before going off to school for the last SPM paper, I did the worst thing you could imagine.
I told him that I have feelings for him.

.....OH GOD WHY.


Okay, I've calmed down now. So, yes, I did that. I texted him dead early in the morning, waking him up, and told him I have feelings for him, and ruined everything we have between us. Lol. Not like we have anything between us, but I just made our friendship damn awkward. Lol.

Okay somehow right now I see this as something funny hahaha.
Imagine you getting into a relationship after months of complaining you're a forever alone guy (yesh he did complain before lol) then on the day when you finally got a girlfriend, a random sakai confessed to you hahaha.
Oh well it's kinda stupid I guess.

He didn't reply me in the morning.
I went to school, putting on a fake smile and laugh cause everyone is happy that SPM is coming to an end.
But in my heart it's actually all emptiness. I've switched off my phone, so I didn't know when he reply or not.
And then I kept thinking about what he'll reply lol.
Still, I managed to do my paper well, in fact, I actually got an A+ for the subject LOL.
The one and only subject I got an A+ for, Sains Pertanian hahaha.

After the exam is done, everyone was taking pictures together. I joined in too, pushing my emptiness away.
I actually checked my phone, and I saw he replied. But I didn't dare to read what he said, so I put my phone away and joined with my friends again.

After we're done and I'm finally heading home, I took out my phone.
Slowly, I opened his message, and read what he said.
And what he said kinda shocked me and gave me 'wtf...' feeling. It also made me feel very lost.

He told me to not think too much, that the relationship is not serious. And he told me that I did woke him up, (I asked lol) just that he's too tired, hands like zombie, didn't reply. (omg I can't believe I actually remembered)

So yeah, this is it. I can't remember what I replied him though. But thinking back, I wished I asked what he meant by the not serious part. Meh.

After telling him my feelings, our friendship became really awkward. I guess I'm the one that made him feel awkward, since I'm all awkward myself. I have to meet him from time to time, so I can't avoid him, he can't avoid me lol.

But then, even after all those, he still helps me when I need his help, so I guess it wasn't really that bad? I don't know. But yeah, all I felt was awkwardness.

His name used to appear in my Facebook a lot, but then after letting him know my feeling, it's rare to see his name on my Facebook anymore. But I guess that's expected. Oh well.
That was last year. This year I guess we're not all that awkward, but then I don't know. Sometimes I feel like we are, sometimes I feel not. Meh, I think I'm the one confusing everything here.

Sigh. I was browsing Crystal's blog just now, and I saw her posts, and her pictures. Looking back at those pictures also reminds me a lot of this guy lol, since those pictures were posted on Facebook, and he liked most of them hahaha wth. But now, he never liked any of my pictures anymore. That somehow made me feel even more awkward I guess, but it's just the way things are. And I guess I think too much?

I guess I miss the old school SPM time lol, but not in the sense of missing school and SPM. It might be cause he is kinda related to my SPM (okay what fuck am I talking now lol,) and well, somehow SPM just reminds me of him.
Meh whatever I'm talking crap now.

Actually before him, I liked another guy. I think he's the first person I seriously have feelings to.
But it was really obvious that he and me will never be together, and it's all another complicated story. (Nope not going into that story. Maybe next time) I was sad and empty that time too, and I keep wishing that I'll start to like someone else.Voila, wish granted. The guy that I was talking about in my entire blog post appeared.

Lol, I got my wish, but it wasn't how I hoped it'll turn out to be, in fact it kind of made me regret my wish. But to be honest I never regret a thing, except the confessing to him part. Meh.

So, cause it didn't turn out well and I got hurt again, I wish someone would just like me instead and that I'll just accept whoever that is to get away from all the pain and emptiness. What a stupid stupid wish.

Well, believe it or not, my wish came true wtf. Someone appeared and confessed. But wth, I couldn't. I just couldn't say yes to him, It's not like he's bad or whatever, I just couldn't lie to myself and him sigh.

So it didn't turn out well as well. I felt damn guilty for kinda letting him think that I like him, and I feel like an asshole for hurting someone since I know how it feels. Touche. Lol.
I'm such an idiot, I should have pushed him away when I sense something. But I didn't, I just act dumb and stupid.

...Meh. I should just wish something straightforward now, like to have a boyfriend.
There. A simple wish.
Maybe this won't get me in so many complicated stuff like what I've been through lol.

Okay I know I'm crapping rubbish.
So in conclusion, I'm still forever alone, not sure if I still have feelings for this guy or not, and I'm actually wishing that we'll push past all awkwardness and just be good friends. That'll be enough for me.
I'm a really good friend with the guy I first liked now, and I just hoped that somehow, a miracle will happen and I'll become good friend with the guy I was talking about in this entire blog post too. Since I know that being together is impossible now, and the thought of it actually bothers me.

Oh hey, does that mean I'm over him?
I hope so.

Blehhh. Gonna sleep now, before I talk any more rubbish. Buh bye.

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