Bloody Doll.

This is a makeup I did during Halloween, even though I did not go anywhere. SPM was coming that time /_\ And because of SPM I did not upload this. And mainly also because I have no laptop to use.
But now my brother's having semester break, and he brought the laptop home :D

So I'm uploading now!
Even if it's almost 2 months late.

Eye makeup done.
Then I add those bloody skin and stuff.

hehe =v= Product used is lash glue, tissue paper, red lipstick and eyeliner.
Oh, and fake blood of course.
Fake blood is made with mixing a little bit of red food colouring into honey/maple syrup.
So, it's edible! :D
Taste sweet too :3

Did it on my arm too haha.

After that, to create more effect, I add on bloody tears lol.

And..............

Peeling the glue and tissue paper off LOL/



Haha. By the way, if you want to try this on your arm, I recommend that you make sure your arm is free of hair.

The process of peeling off the glue on my arm is not fun at all.
It hurts so bad lol.



Anyway, sweet dreams LOL

ごめんなさい。

Oh god. Everything I wrote in my last post. I never knew. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I knew why now. Why you never told me. I'm so so sorry.

Fed up.

I feel awful right now.
I wish you would stop blocking everything and face everything that come instead. Everytime I talked about future stuffs, you would reply "Finish your SPM" first la. Even just now. Fuck it I only have 1 subject left, and then it's FUCKING OVER.
When will you start listening??
When will you stop blocking away everything??!
I know everything is hard. Very hard. I know being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in life. But there are still ways.
I know you are fed up. I'm fed up too. But we can't give up.
I know you hate your job.
But you can get more students if take the effort to. That's what you have to do.
Fuck it, I hate studying, but I still have to study.

I'm sorry that I've slacked and my results are not good.
I wish I could get a scholarship too.
But NO, SPM is almost over. It's too late now.  I can only hope for the best for my results.

If only you would stop blocking everything and start planning instead since the start. We won't be in this stupid situation now.
I would be able to continue my studies. I can't even plan right now cause you refuse to listen.
I can't do what I really want to do.

Its breaking my heart that I am actually thinking and saying all of this. I'm sorry.

I wish I am selfish enough to let you know. But I can't. I can't bear to let you worry much more. But I can't help feeling this way. I'm so frustrated and disappointed at the same time.
It hurts so much. I can't say anything at all.
And I can't see my future right now.
I hate to say this, but it's all your fault.

Just...another day.

So..well that date is my birthday =w=
I turned 17. Meh I don't feel any difference lol (duh)

Anyway, it's just...another day.
Only difference is just that I woke up, and there's Birthday wishes for me by friends that texted me. And Facebook wishes lol.

Morning I woke around 8.30am, ate breakfast, and read my novel a little. After that revise some physics lol =w=

Around 12.30pm (I think) Crystal called me, and she came over lol~
Chatted for a while, then do a little bit of physics (again) and tiny tiny bit of add maths.

After she left, I watched Men in Black II. :3
Watched till halfway headache, so I sleep after the movie finished :/
And another reason I sleep is cause I want the day to pass quicker.
It's just...meh =w=
I can sense that mom is feeling stressed about a lot of problems, and I just felt emo and gloomy, so I sleep :/ Trying to run away from thoughts ._.

When I woke up saw that I Bryan texted me. Lol this part is actually quite amusing. He have not wished me yet, and I'm like..."Not sure if you really forgot my birthday or you planning something"

So meh I didn't ask him anything yet lo.
Anyway when I saw that he texted me I told him that he's making me sad lol.
And he's like..."why???"
So I said, "YOU NEVER WISHED ME."
and then he proceed to send a print screen of him wishing me good luck in SPM. -_-
Im like, "are u fucking kidding me?" and then I ignore him lol and go take a shower.
(Hey my mood is still damn crappy okay .___. so i forgot about what I thought about no need to ask him anything cause I know he wont actually forget and haha i spoil everything instead LOL)
Anyway after I got out from the shower he said he said he just messing around and scared later I pissed off lol so he wish me happy bday lol what.

he actually planned to call me 5 minutes before the day ends lol.

=w=
thinking back its pretty idiotic of me meh =w=
but lol dont mess with girls in bad mood ahaha =w=
Meh okay I think whatever I ranted about can only be understood by me lol~



Okay anyway forget about that I feel stupid now =w=
And I kinda see how amusing I can be -_-;;;

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For dinner it's nothing fancy or anything meh =w=
It's a bad month :/
No money lol...
So just eat at Pizza Hut
But not bad la at least I like pizza -w-

And lol this year...Everyone told me my present will be postponed lol.
I have no idea how to react to that.
It's not really important to me to be honest ._.
But of course I'm very happy that they've thought of me ;w;
Sankyuu!!!!!!! <3 p="p">
Oh and guess what, surprise surprise!
Bro got me a necklace xD
Treble clef necklace >w<
Haha I love it :3



----------------------------------------


So I guess..Thats it. Its just like...every other day ._.
And I still feel quite gloomy, I mean who could be happy when their family is uhhh...getting messy? :/
Anyway time I go to sleep.

Goodnight, blog.

To Crystal

Hey :3
It was your birthday yesterday.
I planned to write a post for you geh, but then phone can't upload picture asdfdfghfghj

So it's a little late :x

Anyway, I know this year's birthday sucks for you because of SPM and you can't go out. And what happened yesterday night. I know how it felt to be forgotten on your birthday. I went through it before, but not so badly. I still have my family that time.
So I know how it must hurts for you :(

It's also too bad you can't come out TwT
But okay forget about that now, we'll go out after SPM!!!!!
That time no one can stop us :D

Haha you have been an awesome friend, listening to me rant about my troubles, and never hesitating to help me :D
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU?!?

xD


Anyway,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Belated)




And I love you :D 




So, don't emo anymore ya :)

  

Updates

Hello people, I meant to blog on the day before SPM start, but then using a phone to blog is too much of a hassle. So today I got the chance to use a computer yay!

SPM started on 5th of November, which is 6 days ago lol.
The first day was Bahasa Melayu paper, and the question that came out surprised me.
They did not ask about stuff that most teachers aimed for, which is about parents or teenagers, or sports.
Instead, we had to write about the activities held in school on Independence Day wth. =A=
Then there's also some questions about cleanliness, motivation camp, etc.

On 6th of November, we have English paper. Again, question surprised me too.
On the novel section, we had to write about events that makes us angry in the novel. -.-
All my life in school I've been taught to write about positive aspects.
Suddenly I have to write a negative feedback. When I saw the question, I'm like '........'
SHIT WHAT SHOULD I WRITE.
But luckily I read the whole novel before, and I recall back chapter by chapter lol.

The next paper is History. Ahahaha. Stupid bloody history.
It's hard. They touched topics that no one thought would be asked. And the way the ask the question is not specific at all fml. And it ended up me writing almost everything I knew into it.
Cause I did not know what they are asking zzz. But at least they won't cut marks in history.
So it's better to be safe than sorry lol.

Then it's the Maths paper. Hmmm no comment on that one I think it'll be alright :3
Except that my paper 1 is a little..ughh :/
There's a question asking about prime number, and I answered wrongly because I thought 1 is a prime number. FML.
Then Crystal told me it's not, and she said the reason she knew is because I, MYSELF posted in facebook before, saying that 1 is not a prime number. WTH. BRAIN Y U NO REMEMBER.

Anyway, after that math paper is a 10 days break. =w=
At first I hate the gap cause I want SPM to be done as soon as possible, but right now I'm glad we have the break. More time to study lol.

There's still 6 paper left, Moral, Additional Math, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and Agriculture Science. Can't wait for it to be over. lol.
Even now I've packed all the books that I won't need to use anymore. Dumped it all in a big bag to be recycled :DDD

Lol in this week break I slacked a little :x
I kept trying to learn the guitar lol xD

xD

Oh by the way went to the dentist just now lol.
The last time I went was...11 years ago??
Lol. :x
Actually went to get my teeth filled, cause 2 days ago it hurts, and I thought I felt a hole there.
But turn out the dentist said my teeth is perfectly fine =A=
....I wonder why it hurts then.


Meh anyway nothing more to be said I guess lol. Byeeeee

Tired, exhausted, weakened.

I'm exhausted.
I don't know what's happening to me, I used to be so different.
I used to be interested in studies.
My results before were considered above average.
UPSR, I got 4A1B.
PMR, I got 5A2B.
But ever since form 4, all I got was C and D. Max amount of A is only 3. Worse, I'll fail at least 2 subjects.

SPM is only 16 days away.
I can't bring myself to study.
I mean, I can't fucking concentrate. I'll just stare at my books, thinking of goodness knows what. Or I'll try doing some questions, but when I can't do it, I'll switch to another subject. This cycle keep repeating, and ended in me being frustrated and go play my phone or piano instead. Screw it.

I'm running out of time. I don't have the time to study all subjects chapter by chapter now. I need to do as many exercises as possible.
But the worse thing is, I hate doing that. I don't mean I hate doing exercises, I hate learning through exercises when I did not understand anything.
I'll think, what's the point trying to do it when I have no idea whats its about?
I'm the type that needs to understand completely, I can't fucking memorize.
I hate memorizing and not understanding.

I'm regretting all the times I've wasted now. All the times I did not pay attention in class. All the times I ponteng.
There's only myself to blame.

ARRGGGHHHH. I'm feeling disgusted at myself.
I'm an idiot. I can't just rely on my friends to teach me. I have to help myself too.

Screw all this shit. 
I want to do everything yet I can't do anything.
My feelings are torn in between everything.
I get distracted easily.
I don't know how I should study.
Everytime I study I will feel I'm studying using the wrong method.

The ironic thing is I should be studying now instead of blogging. Yet I'm still here, whining my ass away and being so weak.
:/

I've deactivated my Facebook for now.
It's better. When I'm on Facebook, I go on it every freaking 5 minutes. Lol.
Though whether deactivating will help me or not, I can't tell.
Sigh. Screw everything.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so stressed out.

I've been having bad night sleep for some time now. Every fucking night, I'll wake in the middle of the night. Been happening for at least 2 weeks now.
And I get tired easily. Sometimes randomly my eyes will get out of focus. I hate these things happening to me ARRRGGGHHH.

I can't believe I'm letting myself be so weak.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Screw everything, I'll do my best to fight.
I'll gain my own confidence back whatever it takes.
I'll stop whining now, and do what needs to be done.

I'm not going to let myself fall now.
Not ever.
Not when I've been so strong before and managed to fight everything. If I can do it before I can do it again.

Fuck this shit, I'll fight.
Whether I fail or not, Im not going to let it bother me. As long as I've fought.

I'll not let myself fall without reaching for a hold.
I'll survive.

_________________________________

Funny how I could change my feelings so fast.
Lol.

But yeah, I've done whining, and I'll fight.