I'm back? (Updates on life now and feelings)

Wow. I haven't wrote for more than 7 months.
And I'm actually wondering what got me here again now.

It's 1.30am, and it's the 16th of October, Friday.
(Noting this down cause blogger tends to mess up my time)

Anyway...My current hair color is black.
With grayish, ashy, and slightly green ends, as a results from the black dye fading off.
I'm noting this down since I realized I tend to measure time with my hair color lol.

So.....I guess it's been an overwhelming 7 months, and it'll still probably continue to be in the future.

I'm done with my college classes now, all that's left is 4 group assignments and 5 personal assignments. Sound like a lot, but most of the assignments is completed halfway, some with 30% of work left to be done.

Oh there is also internship, but I won't give a fuck to that one. I'm already working now, well sort of, but more on that later. Back to college...

I am not happy with how this SAE Institute turned out to be. Everything about it suck, except for a few awesome lecturers and friends. It's now Epitome College wtf. No more SAE, but Epitome. I am extremely glad that my cert is still coming from SAE though.

I do miss living in USJ though. The shabby little apartment, the mattress I slept in, the dirty kitchen with piles of dirty pans and dishes left by my housemates. It's weird, but I guess that place is sort of my running away place.

Being at home so much, I'm getting tired of my family. The way my mom would be complaining about so many things. Don't get me wrong, of course I love my mom, and yes I do understand her complaints. She's been through so much. But I'm just tired, of hearing the same thing over and over again. And not able to do anything about it.

In USJ, well, there's my housemate to distract me. I could talk about music, life, stupid college assignments. But we've all gone on our separate directions now. Even though we're still keeping in touch, it's obviously not the same as living together. It's nowhere close.

Anyway, after moving out, I got busy with work. I was playing the piano 4 days a week, sometimes even 5 to 6 days a week. Then I had a wedding gig too, and I had run around practicing and settling issues with my keyboard. Also busy running around settling stupid errands (dogs to groomer, dogs to the vet, sending keyboard to be fixed, sending phone to be fixed, some college stuff etc).

Being busy distract my mind from this weird uneasy feeling that I have. At least, for the day. At night I drown myself in emo music lol. I don't know why exactly am I feeling this way sigh.

Well anyway, I'm not working full time, but the pay is enough for me to manage my expenses and still give some to mom. Not enough for saving though. But now in October I'm only working 2 days, although I'm doing replacement at another hotel sometimes.

Reason I'm working only 2 days a week is....

I'll be flying off to Vietnam for work at the end of this month.

Well, if my visa go through that is. It's still in process. *fingers crossed*

Yes I am excited, but as usual there is this weird feeling that I can't explain, nor do I know what is it and why it's there. I'm also nervous and anxious sigh.

I figured that I need time to finish up my assignments and prepare myself hence only 2 working days a week, but yeah I could dream on. I somehow lost track of time and was stupid enough to not manage my time properly. Less than 2 weeks before I fly wtf. I predict it's going to be a hectic and anxious 2 weeks for me.

I will be working in a resort ( BY THE SEA!!), playing the piano for 6 days a week, 4 sets a day. I am quite scared to be honest, I mean, I will be alone in a new place, for 6 months. Yes it's quite a short time and I imagine it will fly past quickly, but it seems so long as well.

And sometimes, I wonder if I am good enough as well. But well since I'm chosen out of all the applicants, I probably am. I am looking forward to improving more while I'm there though. I see it as a great chance for me to improve myself.

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With all those things said, there is a darker part of me now. (sounds cheesy and stupid but I don't how else to put it)

I lost who I thought was my best friend. No, he didn't die. He just thrown me out of his life.
I feel so stupid for being so naive, for believing him, and for..caring. Right now, I don't know who I hate more, him or me. Him for being such an asshole, or me for being so trusting and stupid.

I have loved him, I trusted him and yet, he just ignored me.

(I'm laughing and crying at the same time, this sounds like stupid sob love story, I can't even believe I'm writing this or that things like this actually happen, but oh well it IS happening, just that it's not stupid romantic love but more like a friend's trust)

I haven't heard from him since 7 months ago.  I texted him, sms, fb, whatsapp, he's online but he doesn't even bother seeing my message. I tried calling once, but I can't reach his phone. What's even worse is, I couldn't bring myself to try calling again after that one time. I just don't dare to.

Sigh I'm stupid. For feeling what I am feeling now.

And for stupid enough to let myself feel all over again. No, not with him, but with someone else.
Someone eerily similar but different from him, but similar enough for me to be creeped out.

It's like deja wu. I don't want it to end in the same way, I'm afraid it'll end in the same way, but yet I can't stop myself from talking to him or thinking about him...

Arrrggghghh it is driving me crazy. I do not want to experience this again, yet I am walking towards that direction that could have a risk of it ending the same way. I couldn't put a stop to it.

I'll have no one to blame but myself.

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And now I'm questioning why do I feel that I'm different from most people. I can't seem to enjoy the things that most people do. I can't socialize with people. Well I can, but I don't feel close, I couldn't open up about how I feel, and it's pointless and meaning less to me. It's like, I'm inviting loneliness and solitude, and I love it. But at the same time, I hate it.

I was talking to a friend just now, and he just realized that I am still 19. I mean, he know my age, but he forgot that I am 19. Heck, even I myself forget that I am that young lol. He's like "wtf you're so young but you're not".

Happens a lot, and I know how they feel. I feel the same way. Like wtf I'm still so young.
I feel old for some reason. Sounds pretty stupid lol but meh, age is just a number to me.

I just wish this weird uneasy feeling in me, this loneliness would go away. And that things will turn out differently this time, in a good way. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again. It's scaringly numbing, I could not feel anymore at times..

It's 5 minutes to 2.30am now...I'd better go to bed, I have to work tomorrow as well.

Good bye world.
For now.
.

My hair journey with Manic Panic Shocking Blue

I'm pretty sure most of you have known I've had some pretty crazy hair colors for the past 2 years.
It started with just a small turqoise strand at the back and bottom of my head, and from there it escalated to other colors.

The latest color I dyed was Manic Panic Shocking Blue.
I dyed it about 2 months ago, and this is the outcome:

I've already had bleached hair, so I didn't bother bleaching my hair again.

I was blonde, I bleached my hair myself at home. I bleached my hair 4 times, using 30vol. developer.

But I didn't dye my hair blue it on top of this pure bleached hair though.

I actually went to a hair salon, and got this color done.

Black on top, purple at the bottom.

Haha pardon my make up, I took this photo after I came back from a photoshoot.

Anyway, this color faded to a hideous brownish ash blonde, and that's when I applied manic panic.

 

Freshly dyed:

It look a crazy blue under strong sunlight, and it look really dark, close to purple under dim yellow light. This color lasted quite a long time. I washed my hair every alternate day, and after 2 weeks, the color is still quite strong.

Outdoor sunlight and indoor sunlight.

It's beginning to turn purple, with some mild pink streaks which is really cool.

I totally love the color at this point.

After another 2 and a half weeks, it faded to this color that look sort of brownish purple, with streaks of pink and blue.

Then another week passed and it became this color...

Pictures taken 2 days apart, but the one on the right is taken with a DSLR, hence better quality.

Another week and it turned more pinkish.

Taken with a DSLR as well.

Lol this photo is taken on the same day, though the camera settings made the color look darker.

The next day, the color faded more after I swam in the sea.

And after another 2 weeks, which is now, most of the colors are gone. The blue streaks is faded to gray, purple/pink into brownish pink/purple.

Well, I guess that's it.

It was fun watching my hair fade to different shades of color. Will definately try more manic panic in the future :D

Quote.

Weep not for me, my friends so dear.

I am not dead, just sleeping here.

My grassy bed, my grave you see.

Prepare in life to follow me.

-Leander Watts

Im tired.

Just kind of broke down...

Yesterday night I went out to a concert, last minute. My friend asked me to go about 2 hours before it started. Since the concert starts at 7pm, I didn't expect it to end so late, around 11.30pm. And the whole way home from Semenyih, we were stuck in the traffic for more than an hour. By the time I got home it's almost 1am.

I called mom last night, telling her I'll be home late. She was pissed, cause I told her I would help her out in the market the next morning. Last week I did as well, but I got home around 1am on last Saturday night and slept around 2am cause I was out performing for with my band. Obviously I was dead tired the next morning since I only had minimum sleep.

Since mom sounded so pissed last night, I told her to ask my siblings to help. SHE WOULDN'T.

Fine, I'll ask them myself. I can't let my mom do those work herself.
My siblings are okay with it, so it's settled.
Of course I felt guilty, after all I did tell mom I would be helping her out. But I'm dead tired, and I thought why not let my siblings do some work instead of me all the time.

Then this morning, guess what. Mom woke me up. Asked me to help setup the store. Fine. I'll help setup. My brother was already awake, he helped carry all the stuff mom needs to sell her stuff. And of course, I helped carry as well.

Once at the market place and everything is unloaded, bro went home. I helped mom to setup her store. After setting up, I felt light headed. I didn't have enough sleep, and I didn't have dinner last night. Feeling groggy, I asked mom why didn't she wake Kyee up cause after all Kyee said she will help.

Mom somehow stared daggers at me, and scolded me. Said I was always complaining and thought that she is being unfair and always thought I wasn't treated fairly just cause I'm the middle child.

Oh wow. You realized that yet you refuse to acknowledge it?
Fine, this I can still bear with.

Then she started saying that if I don't want to help she can do it all by herself.

If only she could...But my mom can't. Due to an operation she can't exert much energy in carrying stuff, that's why I made sure to ask my siblings to help....

Somehow after my mom said that I snapped. I ask her if she could handle the store herself. And guess what she said?
"What's your problem?!"

Wow.  You just told me that you could do it all by yourself.
Anyway I said I'm tired, and left. Along the walk home I was trying hard not to cry.

I felt terrible going home, but staying there made me feel horrible as well. I was so frustrated, I felt it's so unfair that she wouldn't ask my siblings to help instead of me. I'm still wondering if this is just me, my personal problem or if the situation really is unfair.

As soon as I got home I barged into Kyee's room and woke her up. At this point I was sort of feeling a little bit better, not wanting to cry anymore.

Kyee woke up, but she's damn reluctant to help mom. She said she doesn't mind setting up or carrying stuff, but she don't want to help with selling stuff.
I was pissed. I can't remember what I said but in the end she went.

Then I went into my room, and cried.
I feel horrible.
I can't understand why is it always me that have to help. Why can't mom ask my siblings to help? And why is my siblings so stupid that they can't see the sense in offering to help?
Worse, I feel mad at myself for feeling this way. I can't control my anger, my frustration.

I wanted to help yet when I do I feel so frustrated and angry. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough, maybe.
And when I don't help, I feel terrible. Feel like I'm the lowest of the low, which is how I feel now.

I feel caged.

I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm probably selfish but if I try to push it away any longer I'll burst.
Oh wait, I might already have.

Tsk.

My 2014 in a nutshell.

To be honest nothing came to my mind after I typed that tittle. I was staring at it for a while before I began browsing through my picture albums to remind myself what have been going on last year. (And just using the term "last year" makes me feel weird.)

Maybe it's cause I didn't care much anymore, I find myself just flowing through days without classifying them into months/years. And to think that I used to be so conscious on all these stuff and would blog occasionally on what has been happening monthly lol.

Anyway, here's a short recap on what happened, just for the fun of my future self reading back. Sometimes I rofl at posts I've wrote few years back haha.

- Got a tattoo

- Resumed my piano lessons, and changed my mind about taking audio engineering as my career. Realized that I'm still in love with playing music and wants to be on stage

- Worked in a hotel as pianist for the first time

-Rescued 2 dogs at different times

-Went to Pulau Tioman with classmates

-Gained weight again T_________T (and giving up on the idea of becoming slim. ever)

-Financial status sorts of improved because mom opened up a shop, but it keeps dipping because business is quite unpredictable

-Became blonde lmao, but then dyed it to ombre black to purple cause couldn't be bothered to keep bleaching my roots (colors are faded now, so more like black to brown blonde ombre lol)

-Understood the importance of practice (piano) and doesn't feel pressured when I play the piano anymore

-Realized that I've changed so much from how I used to see myself, and to be honest it's kind of scary

-Danced in the rain for the first time (Bon Odori)

-Starts to have some interest in jazz music, but have yet to try playing it

-Fighting internally with myself over my own feelings for people

-Realized that I'm losing interest in quite a number of things (cosplay, certain people, band etc etc etc)

-Celebrated Halloween Night at Sunway Lagoon with friends!

-Tried on high fashion runway makeup lol

-Kind of gotten drunk on the last day (New Year Eve and New Year)

Okay this is sort of pathetic lel.

Not much achieved during 2014 I guess. 

They're all stupid non important stuff. 

Meh.

I'm sooooo busy, let's write a blog post!

Yep.
As usual.
Whenever I feel like I have too much to do, I come over to my bloggie and just write.
Right now in a way I guess I'm just making a to do list, since I'll be babbling about why I'm so busy lol.

This is probably gonna bore you to death, so you leave now if you don't want to listen to me babbling on. Keep reading though if you have nothing better to do, or if you're just like me. Plainly procrastinating haha. Anyway it's already past midnight, nothing much I could really do now can I? Actually nah, there's still a lot I could do. Ahaha .___.

Well first of all, I should be working on my assignments now pfffttt. Let's see, I have a whole list of them somewhere. Let me copy it lol.

-3D modelling 
Oh phew, this is already 95% done I should say. Let me copy an image to show you guys haha.

Haha not that happy with it, but for now this is the best I can do. Am gonna consult with my lecturer to see what else could be done.

-Acoustic recording (8 track)
Sigh this is a headache. Since I need to find musicians, and accommodate to their time with mine.
I've already attempted with a few musicians, but I am just not happy with what I have.
I've found some other musicians, and so right now I'm just waiting to set a date.

-Mixdown assignment
I've actually done this, but guess what? The CD burner in my college's studio is not working. -_-
I've wasted my time doing it, and now I have to burn it through my laptop. But since I didn't know I could do that previously, I didn't save what I've done on the mixer to the DAW in the studio. zzzzzz. Never mind, this won't take me long to do. I've already know what to do anyway.

-Digital rec tech (music loop, dance track, radio station ID, radio commercial)
I've done the music loop. Dance track I have the idea, I just need a better keyboard to do it on. (hoping to get a new keyboard next month).
As for radio station ID and the radio commercial, I still have to come up with an idea.

-Audio business proposal 
Group assignment, my part is done at 90%.
Just a bit more to go.

-Animation
Ahaha, Screw this T_T I haven't even have an idea, plus not to mention I've yet to finish my fundamentals of 3D assignment.

-24 track recording
Right, another recording. I've got to bring in a full band for this.
I've could have done this, I actually brought a band to the studio last week. Instead, I told Emad to handle it lol. I've written a song, am just hoping to get musicians to play it for me. So...guess I'll see how it goes lol. If I can't manage to complete the song with a proper band, guess I'll just find a band to play their own or cover song.

-Broadcasting
Group assignment, we're supposed to do this in the studio with our lecturer, but so far no one have any news on when it shall happen lol. I'm pretty sure it's overdue ahaha.

-Audio Post-Production
Another group assignment. Making foley sounds, add in dialogues into a short animation, creating background music etc. Will be doing this next week, already booked the studio for it.

-Surround sound
Meh. Can't do this without my 24 track recording.

-Mastering
Have yet to fully understand mastering. Will study more on it by myself first before I attempt to master. Plus, I need my 24 track to do this as well sigh.

-Moral studies
I'm doing the poster part. I would say it's 80% done, I just need to do the typography part properly sigh.

12 pending assignments fml. And another assignment coming up in 2 weeks time. Oh god.
And guess what, out of those 12, only 5 of them I could work on now. Sigh. So hmm...I guess doesn't matter much that I'm blogging now LOL.


Anyway, moving on to what I need to do and what I've been doing that kept me busy (I guess? lol).........


I just found out yesterday that I have to perform on 7th December, which is next week. I've always thought that the performance is somewhere near the end of December fml.
It's a performance for a prom for some school (Oh dear I don't even know the details), and the band have yet to jam yet lol. Tomorrow shall be the first jamming.

I have to learn 4 songs, which isn't bad at all compared to the 30 songs I had to learn for the hotel pianist job I had last time hahaha. But still, considering I haven't really listen to those songs properly before, it's kind of hell-ish OTL

Meh, got no one to blame but myself for not paying attention to what my bandmates are saying.


Right. Beside this, I've resumed my grade 8 piano class after a year of hiatus.

To be honest, I stopped my grade 8 last year because I was stressed. It freaking cost me close to RM400 per month, and last year my mom was jobless. Of course I'm stressed, worrying about the financial situation we're in, and thus losing interest and the passion.

I somehow convinced myself that I dislike classical music lol. And guess what I told my teacher? That I'm too busy with college that I don't have the time to practice. It's just a straight on lie I told, I realized that now. I had time, but I guess the time I had were spent on worrying and doing other stuff to distract myself from the reality I was in.

But yeah, no regrets that I stopped. The money saved probably took some stress off my mom as well, but it gave me time to reflect on my decision on classical music. Now that my mom have a job and our financial status is better, I realized that I miss my lessons a lot haha.

And I guess I grew up more, am properly practicing my piano now.


I was also busy with helping my mom out sometimes. She took over a shop selling shoes.
Mom was short on staff just a few weeks ago, and during my sembreak (2 weeks ago) I was at her shop almost every single day. The time that I thought I would be doing my assignments is spent serving costumer instead haha.


Now she have another staff, thank god for that. Still occasionally I go and source for products with my mom, and that could take up a whole day. But then, it mean shopping time for me as well, so I don't mind at all. xD


Besides all these, I need to practice for Crestfall band as well. We got invited to a cosplay ball, and we're supposed to perform lolol. So yeah, I have to go jamming as well, and as usual figure out the keyboard lines in the song cause there's no sheet music. Haha.


Hmm...what else. Pretty sure I have more stuff to do. Can't remember lol.
Oh yeah, organize and clean up my room more.
Believe it or not, during the whole sembreak, I spent an entire week sorting out my clothes, dusting, and just throwing out all craps that I don't use anymore. Till now it's not fully done fml.

I've sorted out my clothes, but I still have to organize place to put in my jewelry. And books. I have so many books I've run out of place to put them. Recently I went to the popular book fair book sale, where every single book is sold for only RM5 WILL YOU BELIEVE IT.
I bought 26 books lol, and right now they're still in the plastic bag on the floor. :x

And oh, now I remembered something else. Have to do a mixing for a band, and yeah that'll probably take me some time. x___x

So...yeah. Guess that's it. And from my recent blog post, I somehow managed to find time and get a tattoo hahahha. Guess I'm not as busy as I should be :x

Anyway, concluding my to-do list:

-ASSignments pffftttt
-Practice for next week performance
-Practice for jamming with Crestfall next week
-Practice piano (Must. Be. Consistent.)
-CLEAN ROOM
-mixing for Myclamyra Project

Oh well. Am gonna go to bed now, hopefully I'll have a very productive week ahead.

First Ink.

First tattoo.

Sea waves, represent life in general to me.

Life can be rough, yet it'll have it's calm days.

Besides that, there is another meaning.

Something that I can't explain.

Something in me, which I couldn't put into words.

Maybe one day I'll find someone that could do it for me,

Explain to me what it is.

Someone that understands.