Thursday, October 15, 2015

I'm back? (Updates on life now and feelings)

Wow. I haven't wrote for more than 7 months.
And I'm actually wondering what got me here again now.

It's 1.30am, and it's the 16th of October, Friday.
(Noting this down cause blogger tends to mess up my time)

Anyway...My current hair color is black.
With grayish, ashy, and slightly green ends, as a results from the black dye fading off.
I'm noting this down since I realized I tend to measure time with my hair color lol.

So.....I guess it's been an overwhelming 7 months, and it'll still probably continue to be in the future.

I'm done with my college classes now, all that's left is 4 group assignments and 5 personal assignments. Sound like a lot, but most of the assignments is completed halfway, some with 30% of work left to be done.

Oh there is also internship, but I won't give a fuck to that one. I'm already working now, well sort of, but more on that later. Back to college...

I am not happy with how this SAE Institute turned out to be. Everything about it suck, except for a few awesome lecturers and friends. It's now Epitome College wtf. No more SAE, but Epitome. I am extremely glad that my cert is still coming from SAE though.

I do miss living in USJ though. The shabby little apartment, the mattress I slept in, the dirty kitchen with piles of dirty pans and dishes left by my housemates. It's weird, but I guess that place is sort of my running away place.

Being at home so much, I'm getting tired of my family. The way my mom would be complaining about so many things. Don't get me wrong, of course I love my mom, and yes I do understand her complaints. She's been through so much. But I'm just tired, of hearing the same thing over and over again. And not able to do anything about it.

In USJ, well, there's my housemate to distract me. I could talk about music, life, stupid college assignments. But we've all gone on our separate directions now. Even though we're still keeping in touch, it's obviously not the same as living together. It's nowhere close.

Anyway, after moving out, I got busy with work. I was playing the piano 4 days a week, sometimes even 5 to 6 days a week. Then I had a wedding gig too, and I had run around practicing and settling issues with my keyboard. Also busy running around settling stupid errands (dogs to groomer, dogs to the vet, sending keyboard to be fixed, sending phone to be fixed, some college stuff etc).

Being busy distract my mind from this weird uneasy feeling that I have. At least, for the day. At night I drown myself in emo music lol. I don't know why exactly am I feeling this way sigh.

Well anyway, I'm not working full time, but the pay is enough for me to manage my expenses and still give some to mom. Not enough for saving though. But now in October I'm only working 2 days, although I'm doing replacement at another hotel sometimes.

Reason I'm working only 2 days a week is....

I'll be flying off to Vietnam for work at the end of this month.

Well, if my visa go through that is. It's still in process. *fingers crossed*

Yes I am excited, but as usual there is this weird feeling that I can't explain, nor do I know what is it and why it's there. I'm also nervous and anxious sigh.

I figured that I need time to finish up my assignments and prepare myself hence only 2 working days a week, but yeah I could dream on. I somehow lost track of time and was stupid enough to not manage my time properly. Less than 2 weeks before I fly wtf. I predict it's going to be a hectic and anxious 2 weeks for me.

I will be working in a resort ( BY THE SEA!!), playing the piano for 6 days a week, 4 sets a day. I am quite scared to be honest, I mean, I will be alone in a new place, for 6 months. Yes it's quite a short time and I imagine it will fly past quickly, but it seems so long as well.

And sometimes, I wonder if I am good enough as well. But well since I'm chosen out of all the applicants, I probably am. I am looking forward to improving more while I'm there though. I see it as a great chance for me to improve myself.


With all those things said, there is a darker part of me now. (sounds cheesy and stupid but I don't how else to put it)

I lost who I thought was my best friend. No, he didn't die. He just thrown me out of his life.
I feel so stupid for being so naive, for believing him, and for..caring. Right now, I don't know who I hate more, him or me. Him for being such an asshole, or me for being so trusting and stupid.

I have loved him, I trusted him and yet, he just ignored me.

(I'm laughing and crying at the same time, this sounds like stupid sob love story, I can't even believe I'm writing this or that things like this actually happen, but oh well it IS happening, just that it's not stupid romantic love but more like a friend's trust)

I haven't heard from him since 7 months ago.  I texted him, sms, fb, whatsapp, he's online but he doesn't even bother seeing my message. I tried calling once, but I can't reach his phone. What's even worse is, I couldn't bring myself to try calling again after that one time. I just don't dare to.

Sigh I'm stupid. For feeling what I am feeling now.

And for stupid enough to let myself feel all over again. No, not with him, but with someone else.
Someone eerily similar but different from him, but similar enough for me to be creeped out.

It's like deja wu. I don't want it to end in the same way, I'm afraid it'll end in the same way, but yet I can't stop myself from talking to him or thinking about him...

Arrrggghghh it is driving me crazy. I do not want to experience this again, yet I am walking towards that direction that could have a risk of it ending the same way. I couldn't put a stop to it.

I'll have no one to blame but myself.


And now I'm questioning why do I feel that I'm different from most people. I can't seem to enjoy the things that most people do. I can't socialize with people. Well I can, but I don't feel close, I couldn't open up about how I feel, and it's pointless and meaning less to me. It's like, I'm inviting loneliness and solitude, and I love it. But at the same time, I hate it.

I was talking to a friend just now, and he just realized that I am still 19. I mean, he know my age, but he forgot that I am 19. Heck, even I myself forget that I am that young lol. He's like "wtf you're so young but you're not".

Happens a lot, and I know how they feel. I feel the same way. Like wtf I'm still so young.
I feel old for some reason. Sounds pretty stupid lol but meh, age is just a number to me.

I just wish this weird uneasy feeling in me, this loneliness would go away. And that things will turn out differently this time, in a good way. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again. It's scaringly numbing, I could not feel anymore at times..

It's 5 minutes to 2.30am now...I'd better go to bed, I have to work tomorrow as well.

Good bye world.
For now.

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