Everything changes. And life just happens.

I never know what I what.
Not then, not now.
I was always confused, my desires keep changing and I can't really picture my future.
Whenever people ask me how do I see myself like let's say 20 years down the road, I'll probably shrug and say I don't know.
If they demand an answer, I can only tell them I want it to be near the ocean, related to music, arts, and I want freedom.

I wonder, how do I piece those things together?
I have no idea how, but I guess it'll just come to me when the time is right.

That's what happened to me so far. Stuff just came, out of the blue.

For example, The Crestfall. 

Carlson just messaged me out of the blue one day asking me whether I want to join a band or not. I had no idea what I was agreeing to face when I said yes. I was only 16, and the reason I joined is because I love music and want to play it together with people that share the same interest.
I only want to have some fun.

I did not realize the stress, time, money that would come with it.

Stress, because we went through members changed so frequently and we need to deal with last minute jamming.
Time, because there will be jamming sessions, home practice, and events to attend.
Money, because we need to book the studio outside and pay ourselves.

Nor did I realize that by agreeing to join The Crestfall, I would take up an interest in audio engineering.
And that lead me to take the course I'm taking now.

Thinking back, it was kind of funny though. When I first join the band, I don't even know what the fuck is a bass guitar.
I didn't know that usually there will be a lead guitar and a rhythm guitar.
I don't even know how to play the keyboard properly, I'm only basing everything on my Grade 5 piano knowledge.
Without realizing I've pick up more knowledge and skills.
Previously I can't detect the bass line.
Previously I can't sing back up vocals.
Now I can. There is so much more other things I learnt.

Anyway, being in this band also introduced me to friends.
There's members from other bands, event committee members, and just plain music lovers.

It's so weird how one thing lead to another.
Stuff just happened, and I never seem to realize it until time passed. Only then did I realize how much something small could be big.
And how something big could become small again.

The Crestfall seem dead now.
Or maybe it's just me. Am I losing interest?
I am a sessionist for Myclamyra Project for the upcoming c2age event, and also to help them out with the video audition for Jrock no Tamashii.
Jamming with a band feels so different from how it use to feel. There is no more hype for me.
I even told them I don't want to join Jrock no Tamashii.
I used to want to join it so much.
But now, I have no more interest in it.

Minori applied for Crestfall to perform in c2age as well, but I said no to it.
I don't know why I did that.
I was the one that said I missed the band, that I want to have jamming session and performance.
But I guess I can't be bothered anymore.

Despite all these, when I saw those band's audition video for Jrock no Tamashii, I felt a sharp pang on my chest. It was quite depressing.
It's like, how can I love and hate something at the same time?
And all the while I thought that it doesn't matter to me anymore.

What the fuck do I actually want?
You probably can tell I'm fucking confused lol.
Somehow this post turns out completely different from what I want to talk about.
Again, I guess it's because stuff just happens.

Meh.