Im tired.

Just kind of broke down...

Yesterday night I went out to a concert, last minute. My friend asked me to go about 2 hours before it started. Since the concert starts at 7pm, I didn't expect it to end so late, around 11.30pm. And the whole way home from Semenyih, we were stuck in the traffic for more than an hour. By the time I got home it's almost 1am.

I called mom last night, telling her I'll be home late. She was pissed, cause I told her I would help her out in the market the next morning. Last week I did as well, but I got home around 1am on last Saturday night and slept around 2am cause I was out performing for with my band. Obviously I was dead tired the next morning since I only had minimum sleep.

Since mom sounded so pissed last night, I told her to ask my siblings to help. SHE WOULDN'T.

Fine, I'll ask them myself. I can't let my mom do those work herself.
My siblings are okay with it, so it's settled.
Of course I felt guilty, after all I did tell mom I would be helping her out. But I'm dead tired, and I thought why not let my siblings do some work instead of me all the time.

Then this morning, guess what. Mom woke me up. Asked me to help setup the store. Fine. I'll help setup. My brother was already awake, he helped carry all the stuff mom needs to sell her stuff. And of course, I helped carry as well.

Once at the market place and everything is unloaded, bro went home. I helped mom to setup her store. After setting up, I felt light headed. I didn't have enough sleep, and I didn't have dinner last night. Feeling groggy, I asked mom why didn't she wake Kyee up cause after all Kyee said she will help.

Mom somehow stared daggers at me, and scolded me. Said I was always complaining and thought that she is being unfair and always thought I wasn't treated fairly just cause I'm the middle child.

Oh wow. You realized that yet you refuse to acknowledge it?
Fine, this I can still bear with.

Then she started saying that if I don't want to help she can do it all by herself.

If only she could...But my mom can't. Due to an operation she can't exert much energy in carrying stuff, that's why I made sure to ask my siblings to help....

Somehow after my mom said that I snapped. I ask her if she could handle the store herself. And guess what she said?
"What's your problem?!"

Wow.  You just told me that you could do it all by yourself.
Anyway I said I'm tired, and left. Along the walk home I was trying hard not to cry.

I felt terrible going home, but staying there made me feel horrible as well. I was so frustrated, I felt it's so unfair that she wouldn't ask my siblings to help instead of me. I'm still wondering if this is just me, my personal problem or if the situation really is unfair.

As soon as I got home I barged into Kyee's room and woke her up. At this point I was sort of feeling a little bit better, not wanting to cry anymore.

Kyee woke up, but she's damn reluctant to help mom. She said she doesn't mind setting up or carrying stuff, but she don't want to help with selling stuff.
I was pissed. I can't remember what I said but in the end she went.

Then I went into my room, and cried.
I feel horrible.
I can't understand why is it always me that have to help. Why can't mom ask my siblings to help? And why is my siblings so stupid that they can't see the sense in offering to help?
Worse, I feel mad at myself for feeling this way. I can't control my anger, my frustration.

I wanted to help yet when I do I feel so frustrated and angry. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough, maybe.
And when I don't help, I feel terrible. Feel like I'm the lowest of the low, which is how I feel now.

I feel caged.

I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm probably selfish but if I try to push it away any longer I'll burst.
Oh wait, I might already have.

Tsk.

My 2014 in a nutshell.

To be honest nothing came to my mind after I typed that tittle. I was staring at it for a while before I began browsing through my picture albums to remind myself what have been going on last year. (And just using the term "last year" makes me feel weird.)

Maybe it's cause I didn't care much anymore, I find myself just flowing through days without classifying them into months/years. And to think that I used to be so conscious on all these stuff and would blog occasionally on what has been happening monthly lol.

Anyway, here's a short recap on what happened, just for the fun of my future self reading back. Sometimes I rofl at posts I've wrote few years back haha.

- Got a tattoo

- Resumed my piano lessons, and changed my mind about taking audio engineering as my career. Realized that I'm still in love with playing music and wants to be on stage

- Worked in a hotel as pianist for the first time

-Rescued 2 dogs at different times

-Went to Pulau Tioman with classmates

-Gained weight again T_________T (and giving up on the idea of becoming slim. ever)

-Financial status sorts of improved because mom opened up a shop, but it keeps dipping because business is quite unpredictable

-Became blonde lmao, but then dyed it to ombre black to purple cause couldn't be bothered to keep bleaching my roots (colors are faded now, so more like black to brown blonde ombre lol)

-Understood the importance of practice (piano) and doesn't feel pressured when I play the piano anymore

-Realized that I've changed so much from how I used to see myself, and to be honest it's kind of scary

-Danced in the rain for the first time (Bon Odori)

-Starts to have some interest in jazz music, but have yet to try playing it

-Fighting internally with myself over my own feelings for people

-Realized that I'm losing interest in quite a number of things (cosplay, certain people, band etc etc etc)

-Celebrated Halloween Night at Sunway Lagoon with friends!

-Tried on high fashion runway makeup lol

-Kind of gotten drunk on the last day (New Year Eve and New Year)

Okay this is sort of pathetic lel.

Not much achieved during 2014 I guess. 

They're all stupid non important stuff. 

Meh.

I'm sooooo busy, let's write a blog post!

Yep.
As usual.
Whenever I feel like I have too much to do, I come over to my bloggie and just write.
Right now in a way I guess I'm just making a to do list, since I'll be babbling about why I'm so busy lol.

This is probably gonna bore you to death, so you leave now if you don't want to listen to me babbling on. Keep reading though if you have nothing better to do, or if you're just like me. Plainly procrastinating haha. Anyway it's already past midnight, nothing much I could really do now can I? Actually nah, there's still a lot I could do. Ahaha .___.

Well first of all, I should be working on my assignments now pfffttt. Let's see, I have a whole list of them somewhere. Let me copy it lol.

-3D modelling 
Oh phew, this is already 95% done I should say. Let me copy an image to show you guys haha.

Haha not that happy with it, but for now this is the best I can do. Am gonna consult with my lecturer to see what else could be done.

-Acoustic recording (8 track)
Sigh this is a headache. Since I need to find musicians, and accommodate to their time with mine.
I've already attempted with a few musicians, but I am just not happy with what I have.
I've found some other musicians, and so right now I'm just waiting to set a date.

-Mixdown assignment
I've actually done this, but guess what? The CD burner in my college's studio is not working. -_-
I've wasted my time doing it, and now I have to burn it through my laptop. But since I didn't know I could do that previously, I didn't save what I've done on the mixer to the DAW in the studio. zzzzzz. Never mind, this won't take me long to do. I've already know what to do anyway.

-Digital rec tech (music loop, dance track, radio station ID, radio commercial)
I've done the music loop. Dance track I have the idea, I just need a better keyboard to do it on. (hoping to get a new keyboard next month).
As for radio station ID and the radio commercial, I still have to come up with an idea.

-Audio business proposal 
Group assignment, my part is done at 90%.
Just a bit more to go.

-Animation
Ahaha, Screw this T_T I haven't even have an idea, plus not to mention I've yet to finish my fundamentals of 3D assignment.

-24 track recording
Right, another recording. I've got to bring in a full band for this.
I've could have done this, I actually brought a band to the studio last week. Instead, I told Emad to handle it lol. I've written a song, am just hoping to get musicians to play it for me. So...guess I'll see how it goes lol. If I can't manage to complete the song with a proper band, guess I'll just find a band to play their own or cover song.

-Broadcasting
Group assignment, we're supposed to do this in the studio with our lecturer, but so far no one have any news on when it shall happen lol. I'm pretty sure it's overdue ahaha.

-Audio Post-Production
Another group assignment. Making foley sounds, add in dialogues into a short animation, creating background music etc. Will be doing this next week, already booked the studio for it.

-Surround sound
Meh. Can't do this without my 24 track recording.

-Mastering
Have yet to fully understand mastering. Will study more on it by myself first before I attempt to master. Plus, I need my 24 track to do this as well sigh.

-Moral studies
I'm doing the poster part. I would say it's 80% done, I just need to do the typography part properly sigh.

12 pending assignments fml. And another assignment coming up in 2 weeks time. Oh god.
And guess what, out of those 12, only 5 of them I could work on now. Sigh. So hmm...I guess doesn't matter much that I'm blogging now LOL.


Anyway, moving on to what I need to do and what I've been doing that kept me busy (I guess? lol).........


I just found out yesterday that I have to perform on 7th December, which is next week. I've always thought that the performance is somewhere near the end of December fml.
It's a performance for a prom for some school (Oh dear I don't even know the details), and the band have yet to jam yet lol. Tomorrow shall be the first jamming.

I have to learn 4 songs, which isn't bad at all compared to the 30 songs I had to learn for the hotel pianist job I had last time hahaha. But still, considering I haven't really listen to those songs properly before, it's kind of hell-ish OTL

Meh, got no one to blame but myself for not paying attention to what my bandmates are saying.


Right. Beside this, I've resumed my grade 8 piano class after a year of hiatus.

To be honest, I stopped my grade 8 last year because I was stressed. It freaking cost me close to RM400 per month, and last year my mom was jobless. Of course I'm stressed, worrying about the financial situation we're in, and thus losing interest and the passion.

I somehow convinced myself that I dislike classical music lol. And guess what I told my teacher? That I'm too busy with college that I don't have the time to practice. It's just a straight on lie I told, I realized that now. I had time, but I guess the time I had were spent on worrying and doing other stuff to distract myself from the reality I was in.

But yeah, no regrets that I stopped. The money saved probably took some stress off my mom as well, but it gave me time to reflect on my decision on classical music. Now that my mom have a job and our financial status is better, I realized that I miss my lessons a lot haha.

And I guess I grew up more, am properly practicing my piano now.


I was also busy with helping my mom out sometimes. She took over a shop selling shoes.
Mom was short on staff just a few weeks ago, and during my sembreak (2 weeks ago) I was at her shop almost every single day. The time that I thought I would be doing my assignments is spent serving costumer instead haha.


Now she have another staff, thank god for that. Still occasionally I go and source for products with my mom, and that could take up a whole day. But then, it mean shopping time for me as well, so I don't mind at all. xD


Besides all these, I need to practice for Crestfall band as well. We got invited to a cosplay ball, and we're supposed to perform lolol. So yeah, I have to go jamming as well, and as usual figure out the keyboard lines in the song cause there's no sheet music. Haha.


Hmm...what else. Pretty sure I have more stuff to do. Can't remember lol.
Oh yeah, organize and clean up my room more.
Believe it or not, during the whole sembreak, I spent an entire week sorting out my clothes, dusting, and just throwing out all craps that I don't use anymore. Till now it's not fully done fml.

I've sorted out my clothes, but I still have to organize place to put in my jewelry. And books. I have so many books I've run out of place to put them. Recently I went to the popular book fair book sale, where every single book is sold for only RM5 WILL YOU BELIEVE IT.
I bought 26 books lol, and right now they're still in the plastic bag on the floor. :x

And oh, now I remembered something else. Have to do a mixing for a band, and yeah that'll probably take me some time. x___x

So...yeah. Guess that's it. And from my recent blog post, I somehow managed to find time and get a tattoo hahahha. Guess I'm not as busy as I should be :x

Anyway, concluding my to-do list:

-ASSignments pffftttt
-Practice for next week performance
-Practice for jamming with Crestfall next week
-Practice piano (Must. Be. Consistent.)
-CLEAN ROOM
-mixing for Myclamyra Project

Oh well. Am gonna go to bed now, hopefully I'll have a very productive week ahead.

First Ink.

First tattoo.

Sea waves, represent life in general to me.

Life can be rough, yet it'll have it's calm days.

Besides that, there is another meaning.

Something that I can't explain.

Something in me, which I couldn't put into words.

Maybe one day I'll find someone that could do it for me,

Explain to me what it is.

Someone that understands.

Pieces

Serenity,solitude, surreal , peace, calmness, freedom, strength.

Sea, waves, mermaid, anchor, shells, nautilus, sand.

Angel wings, skull, broken.

Abandoned places, old musical instrument, mossy, dark, forest.

Lake, pond, river, cave.

Music, instruments.

Books, knowledge, hourglass, feather.



Does this make sense? No?
Good.

Sekinchan trip with friends!

Lol just found this in my draft. Wth it's more than a month ago. Nevertheless, gonna post it haha.

So on the 21st of September, I visited Sekinchan along with Stephy, Selwyn and Oliver!

Previously we planned to go to Malacca, but since it's on a Sunday, we figured that it'll probably be really crowded, thus in the end we changed our plans.

Selwyn was the driver of the day xD

Anyway our first stop was...LUNCH!

We were starving hahaha. It was past the usual lunch hour by the time we get there.

I can't remember the restaurant name, but it's beside this harbor if that's why you call the place in picture below.

Our view!

Ho jian!

I love it! It's crispy unlike the one I usually had.

Shark meat.

Surprisingly, it's good wth. 

Actually I have no idea what I feel about eating sharks. Usually I avoid eating shark fin, whenever I had shark fin soup it's always the cheap version that doesn't use shark fin, they use vermicilli to substitute the fin lol. The reason I don't eat real shark fin is because of humans cutting the fin off the shark and throwing the shark back into the sea, giving it a painful and slow death.

But a whole shark getting killed, I guess that's a different thing. Still, I guess I won't purposely order shark meat again.

Okay, back to my trip lol.

Some type of prawns that is said to be like lobster. 

It's not that nice though. I like the taste, but there is no meat at all meh.

After lunch, we head to the paddy fields!

I freaking love the scenic view. Even though I grew up in the city, I've always love the country.

I grew up reading storybooks especially Enid Blyton's, and in her book she taught me to love the country. :) One day I'll quit living in the city and move to a quiet countryside. 

We visited a paddy rice 'factory museum' nearby as well. Nothing much inside.

Basically we paid RM4 to just walk in a small area with displays. Not much explanation whatsoever.

Some random pictures in the museum.

Next, we just chilled by the paddy fields! Had some mini photoshoot.

Haha random set of pictures. 

We headed to Redang Beach next. 

Even though it's quite filthy, I enjoyed the sea breeze. And listening to the waves crashing. And seeing the sunset. Feeling the sands and seashells under my feet.

They were taking my pictures without me realizing lol..I was wandering away from them, guess I was mesmerized by the sea. Was by the shore staring at the waves, then I saw some seashells and picked it up and took some pictures.

I love this picture. Using it as laptop wallpaper.

This was planned, not some random shot haha.

Sigh. I love the sea so much, I don't even really know why.

I could go on staring at the sea and listening to the waves forever.

Anyway moving on. We found a tree house and a very rocky bay as we wandered further down the coast.

Hahahha Snorlax Selwyn XD

Look sort of like some cheesy band album photo lmao 

Oh and I found a swing xD

Another cheesy photo haha

Potato face 

Here I am, acting melancholic haha

Hahah fantastic four

Sampat face

Well after all these we head off to have dinner. 

Can't really remember what we ordered. I just remember crabs haha. It taste nice, but sadly the crabs are small with not much meat. :<

After that dinner, we visited Kampung Kuantan Fireflies park.
We sat in a sampan. It costed us RM50. Reasonable price, each person is RM12.50 for 4 of us.

It's pretty calm and surreal. It's pitch dark, the sound of trickling water and the creaking of the oars is very calming as well. There's quite a lot of fireflies. The caretaker brought us close to the trees where they are, and he caught a firefly and put it into my hand. Such a pretty creature.

Haha can't see much here, but yeah those yellow dots are the fireflies. It's a lot more in real though.


Overall, I enjoyed this trip. :)

Ending this post with a group picture, with Selwyn not staring into the camera xD