Im tired.

Just kind of broke down...

Yesterday night I went out to a concert, last minute. My friend asked me to go about 2 hours before it started. Since the concert starts at 7pm, I didn't expect it to end so late, around 11.30pm. And the whole way home from Semenyih, we were stuck in the traffic for more than an hour. By the time I got home it's almost 1am.

I called mom last night, telling her I'll be home late. She was pissed, cause I told her I would help her out in the market the next morning. Last week I did as well, but I got home around 1am on last Saturday night and slept around 2am cause I was out performing for with my band. Obviously I was dead tired the next morning since I only had minimum sleep.

Since mom sounded so pissed last night, I told her to ask my siblings to help. SHE WOULDN'T.

Fine, I'll ask them myself. I can't let my mom do those work herself.
My siblings are okay with it, so it's settled.
Of course I felt guilty, after all I did tell mom I would be helping her out. But I'm dead tired, and I thought why not let my siblings do some work instead of me all the time.

Then this morning, guess what. Mom woke me up. Asked me to help setup the store. Fine. I'll help setup. My brother was already awake, he helped carry all the stuff mom needs to sell her stuff. And of course, I helped carry as well.

Once at the market place and everything is unloaded, bro went home. I helped mom to setup her store. After setting up, I felt light headed. I didn't have enough sleep, and I didn't have dinner last night. Feeling groggy, I asked mom why didn't she wake Kyee up cause after all Kyee said she will help.

Mom somehow stared daggers at me, and scolded me. Said I was always complaining and thought that she is being unfair and always thought I wasn't treated fairly just cause I'm the middle child.

Oh wow. You realized that yet you refuse to acknowledge it?
Fine, this I can still bear with.

Then she started saying that if I don't want to help she can do it all by herself.

If only she could...But my mom can't. Due to an operation she can't exert much energy in carrying stuff, that's why I made sure to ask my siblings to help....

Somehow after my mom said that I snapped. I ask her if she could handle the store herself. And guess what she said?
"What's your problem?!"

Wow.  You just told me that you could do it all by yourself.
Anyway I said I'm tired, and left. Along the walk home I was trying hard not to cry.

I felt terrible going home, but staying there made me feel horrible as well. I was so frustrated, I felt it's so unfair that she wouldn't ask my siblings to help instead of me. I'm still wondering if this is just me, my personal problem or if the situation really is unfair.

As soon as I got home I barged into Kyee's room and woke her up. At this point I was sort of feeling a little bit better, not wanting to cry anymore.

Kyee woke up, but she's damn reluctant to help mom. She said she doesn't mind setting up or carrying stuff, but she don't want to help with selling stuff.
I was pissed. I can't remember what I said but in the end she went.

Then I went into my room, and cried.
I feel horrible.
I can't understand why is it always me that have to help. Why can't mom ask my siblings to help? And why is my siblings so stupid that they can't see the sense in offering to help?
Worse, I feel mad at myself for feeling this way. I can't control my anger, my frustration.

I wanted to help yet when I do I feel so frustrated and angry. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough, maybe.
And when I don't help, I feel terrible. Feel like I'm the lowest of the low, which is how I feel now.

I feel caged.

I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm probably selfish but if I try to push it away any longer I'll burst.
Oh wait, I might already have.

Tsk.

Maze

Seeing you these past few days, I somehow got lost again.
I thought I was finding my way out, but I guess I'm wrong again.

I don't know if I do have feelings for you, or if everything is just an illusion I created for myself.
Somehow nothing feels right, yet it couldn't possibly feel more right than it is?

Silence fills in between us, I just don't know what to say. At first it doesn't feel awkward, it somehow feels right, like that's just how it should be. But then after a while it does get awkward.
Awkward silence. I feel it strongly, and I have no idea what to say.
I think you felt it too, you tried making small conversations.  Or maybe you really need to ask me those questions and it's all my own illusion again. I tried making small conversations too, and meh I failed. It ended up with more awkward silence I guess.

I don't know anything about you anymore. Somehow I could feel that you're okay, yet somehow sometimes I felt that you're not and I'm just a nuisance. I get so confused around you damn it.

I seriously don't know what I should do anymore. I can't exactly walk away cause I still have to face you and I need your help. Sigh.

Meh I don't even know what I'm babbling about anymore, and somehow listening to Gackt's Last Song, the guitar made me want to cry so much.

Fine, I go cry. Ciao.

Trapped

I thought I've managed to let go and forget it all.
I thought I've moved on.
I thought those pain I felt was over.
I thought I'm over you.
I thought I'll never felt the same way I once did about you again.

I never thought it'll come back again.

Watching NANA, eventhough for a few episodes, all those emotions were rushing back into me again.

Part of what I've felt,  part of what I've always wanted, part of what I've never had.

Damn it.

ごめんなさい。

Oh god. Everything I wrote in my last post. I never knew. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I knew why now. Why you never told me. I'm so so sorry.

Fed up.

I feel awful right now.
I wish you would stop blocking everything and face everything that come instead. Everytime I talked about future stuffs, you would reply "Finish your SPM" first la. Even just now. Fuck it I only have 1 subject left, and then it's FUCKING OVER.
When will you start listening??
When will you stop blocking away everything??!
I know everything is hard. Very hard. I know being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in life. But there are still ways.
I know you are fed up. I'm fed up too. But we can't give up.
I know you hate your job.
But you can get more students if take the effort to. That's what you have to do.
Fuck it, I hate studying, but I still have to study.

I'm sorry that I've slacked and my results are not good.
I wish I could get a scholarship too.
But NO, SPM is almost over. It's too late now.  I can only hope for the best for my results.

If only you would stop blocking everything and start planning instead since the start. We won't be in this stupid situation now.
I would be able to continue my studies. I can't even plan right now cause you refuse to listen.
I can't do what I really want to do.

Its breaking my heart that I am actually thinking and saying all of this. I'm sorry.

I wish I am selfish enough to let you know. But I can't. I can't bear to let you worry much more. But I can't help feeling this way. I'm so frustrated and disappointed at the same time.
It hurts so much. I can't say anything at all.
And I can't see my future right now.
I hate to say this, but it's all your fault.

Pray.

I pray for everyone in Japan.

May the people stuck in buildings, houses, or just simply anywhere be rescued soon.

I pray for innocent young life to be saved.

May the one's gone from the world rest in peace.

I pray for the tsunami to pass over soon.

Please, let everything be okay.

Goodbye, and R.I.P

Eventhough we're not good friends, eventhough we hardly talk except 'hi', I miss you. You've influenced me a lot. If I'm not mistaken, you've commented on my depressing blog post before, giving me motivation. I can't find that comment now :(

Also, you've comment on my picture before, saying I'm emo lol. Well, in a way, I am, but seeing your comment make me wanna be more cheerful :)

Thank you for everything and rest in peace. Miss you and be sure to be happy just as you are on the other side :)

Love, Joee.

Miss your sampat face liao =')


~Joee~
さよなら。

Twisted

FOR MY GANG!! = =  


Ok, first of all, I can't sleep because I kept thinking about these things that make me mad. Yeah, be prepared to be offended. I'm seriously mad now.


Nowdays, I feel that you guys are telling lies, being so damn secretive. And I admit, I'm also like that too sometimes. And I wanted to say sorry.


But you know what piss me off? It's like..I don't know how to say. Some examples:



Josephine, remember today you borrowed my Sejarah Form 1 textbook? And I keep asking you what's wrong and you keep saying 'nothing'? Well, OBVIOUSLY it's not nothing. If I'm not mistaken, one of your teacher at tuition teaches something wrong right? And I understand why you don't want to tell me, but damn it, can't you just say that I'm not supposed to know? And when I turned away, you continued telling Teeth that something.
 


Teeth, sometimes, when you talked about something I'm not supposed to know, that is FINE with me. Except that you talk about it infront of me which piss me off. When I asked about it, you said 'don't want to tell you'. Well, if I can't know, why even mentioned it infront of me?! Is it spite? Sigh. I can't really understand. If I'm mistaken about anything tell me. It's not like you don't know me, right? I'm blur and stupid. I'm sorry.



Bamboo de, (._.") it's not like I have anything against you. It' just like sometimes you're kinda like Teeth too. Like, today, about the picture, whatever, I don't need to see it at all, but, I hate it when you tell me, 'don't want show you' while they all look. Sigh.



You guys, I know what are you all thinking now. 'You're also like that'. True. I din't say I wasn't. I'm also being secretive too, and I hate to admit, SPITEFUL.

Yeah, I want to say I'm awfully sorry, Josephine. About the Lavender sms thingy. While at my home, I'm already feel pissed off. That's why I din't feel like showing you. Plus, I din't lie completely at the restaurant too. I'm not sure if Lavender would be okay with it. Also, here's the stupid reason why I din't ask you to study group:


A stupid damn reason and I'm damn angry at myself. Remember when you put aeroplane? In my mind, I just though that you're the one that keep wanting to go out, you're the one that's like so comfirmed about everything. And I had though that you've asked your mum, that's why you're so comfirmed. And then you put aeroplane. -.- I'm pissed off. But now I can see that I'm also stupid myself.


And to YOU ALL, I'm sorry too. For anything I said that is not true. Please correct me if I'm wrong. And for my stupidness, spitefulness. I can't really remember, but I think I'm not secretive in front of people I don't want them to know about. And again, if I'm wrong, SORRY.


I also realized, that maybe sometimes I'm like what I just wrote. I'm not sure. If yeah, SORRY.


Sigh. Enough of all these stuff. Now I wrote it all down, I'm wondering about why are we being secretive. We're friends, right? But sometimes we just can't seem to trust each other. I hate all the secret, it's tearing our friendship down.




I'm feeling desperate now. Part of my life changed because of you guys. I don't want these things to tear it down now. It just started. I'm scared. I just hope by writting this I'll get help and we'll all change. Not make our friendship die.




Sigh. From a mad feeling, now it's desperation and dissapointment.   




Btw, I used all those 'nicknames' just in case.





~Noriko~
私たちは、本当に友達なの？　友達れば、このバカの物をやめて下さいよ。くるしいですから。　

It's time to let go.

Nowdays I'm damn emo. I hate myself. For being so fake. I don't understand it. I have told Ying and Jia about how I feel. All the time I was telling them I smiled. Like an idiot. My tears wouldn't come out. Eventhough I want it to. Badly. I hate myself for holding it back. Yeah, Chee Ying, you're right. It hurts. A lot. But I don't know why, I just can't let myself cry. I hate myself for being so fake.

I even had the guts back then, last month, I think, to tell someone that it's okay to cry. I told him that crying make you feel better and pretending hurts. Yet, why did I still pretend? I don't even understand myself anymore.

Yesterday, I cried myself to sleep. Just because of a stupid damn ceramah at school, all those horrible memories were brought up. Again. Yeah, I cried during the stupid ceramah too. I was bitting my lips, my palms were glued to my eyes. And just out of the blue, I found tears trickling down my face. Shit.

Sometimes, I just felt so left out. I know, I have you guys, you guys were always supporting me, but this feeling keep burdening me.                         

Perhaps I should stop thinking about this. It's stupid. Obviously they care about me, right? I can't believe that they'll feel so sad for me when I told them how I feel. They shed tears for me. Of course I have them right? To my friends that are reading this, Love you forever :]

Anyway, today, I cried. For a reason I don't even know. The tears just found themselves. No, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not crying for anyone. Just myself. It happened while I was just simply, typically playing piano. I don't know what happened to me.

Stupid, I know. But taking photos seem to make me feel better.

 

Sigh, who cares? Eventhough I'm all alone while all this happened, I know, there are people thinking of me right? And I have my dogs, that'll stick by me, all the time.

 

Hmmm...My talk is getting out of topic. Okay, 'It's time to let go'. Let go of what? The memories. If I keep hugging those memories, I'll surely become insane from depression. Just think more openly, Joee. You're not the only one with miserable memories. Just accept that it happened. And that it won't change. 

Basically, I've wasted my time taking stupid photos. Lol.

~Noriko~

くるしいけど、でも、それは私のうんめいでう。。何もしれません。。。

Helpless...

Main reason I'm here blogging now is I'm sad and I feel depressed...I was reading a book just now, tittled 'Six Bad Boys'...It's about family..Family problems...Happy family...Some were similiar to mine...Reading these reminds me the kind of family I have..Yeah, I have a great family, but something's missing...It's the word 'Dad'..I have not said this word since I'm seven years old....I miss it...My only wish is this, to be able to said 'Dad' again, so that whenever I come home from school, mum would be here to welcome me...I hate coming home alone, no one except my brother that's either gaming or sleeping...I hate coming home having nothing to eat, having to prepare my own food...I hate the loneliness I feel everyday at  home...Soon, bro would be going to college.. .I'll be left completely alone..Only have my dogs to accompany me...I hate seeing my future, my family future so damn unstable...I hate seeing mum worry, tired, unhappy...I want a normal life with a complete family..I r hate the way I'm hanging now...It hurts...Sometimes I wish that some of my friends would realizes how lucky they were, to have someone to pick you up from whatever whatever, to have a mum to cook for you, to have someone to call Dad.

Yeah, I have posted a post similiar to this before, about my complicated life. It's just that I can't help it, I'm feeling damn depressed and need to tell someone...I'm just a plain coward, I don't dare to tell personally, so I guess I would just post it here...Hopefully you'll understand.

Touched ♥

Haha. Aki, I warn you, don't read if you want to cry.

Just now, out of nowhere Hoi Yee suddenly send me a post on Facebook.

LHoi Yee ت :Joeeeeeeeeeeeeee ~! :(
I visited your blog just now .. Cheer up kay? :] we're here for you ~! ^^

Seems like she read my post. I din't expect anyone to read it at all. It was so messy and so hard to read. I was surprised. Then, out of nowhere again Aki come and comment:

Akimoto Michiyo 秋本三千代:

i juz cant say properly wat im thinking...
anyway,
joee-chan ga hontoni sugoi desu 

Joee-chan is really amazing
zuuto gambarimasu desu ne?

Always working hard right?
otsukaresama deshita

Well done
zuuto wa genki de yogata

Thank goodness you were always well
urushii de yogata

Thank goodness you were always happy
mada ikiteru yogata

Thank goodness you were still living
joee-chan ga watashi no taisetsu no domodachi yogata

Joee-chan you were my precious friend
joee-chan ga daisuki desu

Joee-chan I love you
gambate ne? 

Work hard ok?
sorry if i cant help u sumwhere
but really thx u are always by my side even u r getting hard for those ...
swt...i cry liao...
Joee i really glad u r my fren >

hahaha xD I was laughing and crying when I was reading this.
Gosh. I was just really happy to know I have friends that cared =]

I replied her:

swt...aki!!! dont cry okay!!! omg........that's not i want, to make ppl cry!! omg........its ok, im FINE!! swt...u make me wanna cry! watashi wa daijoubu kara, ii ne?(im fine, ok?) naka naide(don cry)...kore wa watashi no unmei, kami-sama ga tsukutta(this is my fate, a fate made by god)...ii yo(its alright)...Everyone have their own life...and you can say that mine's special =']

haha...we're all getting emotional...

 

 

 

 

     

 

 

Anyway, friends are important. I know they're here for me ♥

p.s: Aki don't you cry again xD

~Noriko~
大切な友だち =]

Why?

icantunderstandwhyyouhavetoleftus.yeah,iknowiamonly7whenyouleft,
ihavenofeelingsthattimebacauseidontunderstand
anything.ihaveveryfewmemoriesofyou,butistillremembersometimes
whenyouaremadorhappywithme.rememberingthosememoriesdoeshurt,
butitsthepresentthathurtsmost.mumhavetoworkreallyhardtoraisebro,
kyeeandme.itsuckstoseemumunhappysometimes.ifonlyyouarehere
insteadofheavenmumwonthavetoworksohard.she'llbeahousewife,
right?imissthetimewhenshewasstillahousewife.
istillrememberthosetimeswhenshecookforus,
fetchushoomefromandtoschoolandhelpmepaymyfeeatschool
wheniminstandard1.wheniminstandard2,you'vealreadyleft.
mumhavetowork.istillremember,ihavetopaytheschoolfeemyself
thattime.itjusthurts.ireallymisshavingahousewifemum.
sometimes,seeingmyfriendsthathavetheirmumstopickthemupafter
schoolmakemefeeljealous.itsstupidtofeelthatway,iknow.
butijustcantit,iguess.dad,iwishyouwerehere.
mumwonthavetoworksohardandgetsostressed,right?

Sigh..I dunno why im letting you guys know. maybe it was too painful to keep it in my heart for so long?
anyway, you wont understand what im typing, so, well, its nothing i guess.

~Noriko~
 どうして？りゆうしりたい。。。

I need someone...

I need someone to lend me their shoulders....
I need someone to listen to me.....
I need someone to understand me...
I need someone to tell me that they care about me...
I need someone to comfort me...

It hurts so much, to have feelings but not being able to cry...To have to fake a smile all the time....To keep everything in my heart alone....I hate crying in front of people, that's why I din't dare to tell...I know I'll cry if I do...It just hurts...Futhermore, they won't understand me, will they? They're not me, they don't have the same life as me...I may seem like a lucky and happy girl, but I'm not really happy at all...Yeah, I'm lucky, but it's not the type of luck I want...Can't I just have a normal life like most of them have? It hurts.............

~Noriko~
だれかつくって。。。いたみけしてよ。。。くるしよ。。。