Imperfect me.: It's time to let go.

Friday, July 16, 2010

It's time to let go.

Nowdays I'm damn emo. I hate myself. For being so fake. I don't understand it. I have told Ying and Jia about how I feel. All the time I was telling them I smiled. Like an idiot. My tears wouldn't come out. Eventhough I want it to. Badly. I hate myself for holding it back. Yeah, Chee Ying, you're right. It hurts. A lot. But I don't know why, I just can't let myself cry. I hate myself for being so fake.

I even had the guts back then, last month, I think, to tell someone that it's okay to cry. I told him that crying make you feel better and pretending hurts. Yet, why did I still pretend? I don't even understand myself anymore.

Yesterday, I cried myself to sleep. Just because of a stupid damn ceramah at school, all those horrible memories were brought up. Again. Yeah, I cried during the stupid ceramah too. I was bitting my lips, my palms were glued to my eyes. And just out of the blue, I found tears trickling down my face. Shit.

Sometimes, I just felt so left out. I know, I have you guys, you guys were always supporting me, but this feeling keep burdening me.

Perhaps I should stop thinking about this. It's stupid. Obviously they care about me, right? I can't believe that they'll feel so sad for me when I told them how I feel. They shed tears for me. Of course I have them right? To my friends that are reading this, Love you forever :]

Anyway, today, I cried. For a reason I don't even know. The tears just found themselves. No, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not crying for anyone. Just myself. It happened while I was just simply, typically playing piano. I don't know what happened to me.

Stupid, I know. But taking photos seem to make me feel better.

Sigh, who cares? Eventhough I'm all alone while all this happened, I know, there are people thinking of me right? And I have my dogs, that'll stick by me, all the time.

Hmmm...My talk is getting out of topic. Okay, 'It's time to let go'. Let go of what? The memories. If I keep hugging those memories, I'll surely become insane from depression. Just think more openly, Joee. You're not the only one with miserable memories. Just accept that it happened. And that it won't change.