Just kind of broke down...
Yesterday night I went out to a concert, last minute. My friend asked me to go about 2 hours before it started. Since the concert starts at 7pm, I didn't expect it to end so late, around 11.30pm. And the whole way home from Semenyih, we were stuck in the traffic for more than an hour. By the time I got home it's almost 1am.
I called mom last night, telling her I'll be home late. She was pissed, cause I told her I would help her out in the market the next morning. Last week I did as well, but I got home around 1am on last Saturday night and slept around 2am cause I was out performing for with my band. Obviously I was dead tired the next morning since I only had minimum sleep.
Since mom sounded so pissed last night, I told her to ask my siblings to help. SHE WOULDN'T.
Fine, I'll ask them myself. I can't let my mom do those work herself.
My siblings are okay with it, so it's settled.
Of course I felt guilty, after all I did tell mom I would be helping her out. But I'm dead tired, and I thought why not let my siblings do some work instead of me all the time.
Then this morning, guess what. Mom woke me up. Asked me to help setup the store. Fine. I'll help setup. My brother was already awake, he helped carry all the stuff mom needs to sell her stuff. And of course, I helped carry as well.
Once at the market place and everything is unloaded, bro went home. I helped mom to setup her store. After setting up, I felt light headed. I didn't have enough sleep, and I didn't have dinner last night. Feeling groggy, I asked mom why didn't she wake Kyee up cause after all Kyee said she will help.
Mom somehow stared daggers at me, and scolded me. Said I was always complaining and thought that she is being unfair and always thought I wasn't treated fairly just cause I'm the middle child.
Oh wow. You realized that yet you refuse to acknowledge it?
Fine, this I can still bear with.
Then she started saying that if I don't want to help she can do it all by herself.
If only she could...But my mom can't. Due to an operation she can't exert much energy in carrying stuff, that's why I made sure to ask my siblings to help....
Somehow after my mom said that I snapped. I ask her if she could handle the store herself. And guess what she said?
"What's your problem?!"
Wow. You just told me that you could do it all by yourself.
Anyway I said I'm tired, and left. Along the walk home I was trying hard not to cry.
I felt terrible going home, but staying there made me feel horrible as well. I was so frustrated, I felt it's so unfair that she wouldn't ask my siblings to help instead of me. I'm still wondering if this is just me, my personal problem or if the situation really is unfair.
As soon as I got home I barged into Kyee's room and woke her up. At this point I was sort of feeling a little bit better, not wanting to cry anymore.
Kyee woke up, but she's damn reluctant to help mom. She said she doesn't mind setting up or carrying stuff, but she don't want to help with selling stuff.
I was pissed. I can't remember what I said but in the end she went.
Then I went into my room, and cried.
I feel horrible.
I can't understand why is it always me that have to help. Why can't mom ask my siblings to help? And why is my siblings so stupid that they can't see the sense in offering to help?
Worse, I feel mad at myself for feeling this way. I can't control my anger, my frustration.
I wanted to help yet when I do I feel so frustrated and angry. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep enough, maybe.
And when I don't help, I feel terrible. Feel like I'm the lowest of the low, which is how I feel now.
I feel caged.
I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm probably selfish but if I try to push it away any longer I'll burst.
Oh wait, I might already have.
Tsk.
Showing posts with label HELP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HELP. Show all posts
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Maze
Seeing you these past few days, I somehow got lost again.
I thought I was finding my way out, but I guess I'm wrong again.
I don't know if I do have feelings for you, or if everything is just an illusion I created for myself.
Somehow nothing feels right, yet it couldn't possibly feel more right than it is?
Silence fills in between us, I just don't know what to say. At first it doesn't feel awkward, it somehow feels right, like that's just how it should be. But then after a while it does get awkward.
Awkward silence. I feel it strongly, and I have no idea what to say.
I think you felt it too, you tried making small conversations. Or maybe you really need to ask me those questions and it's all my own illusion again. I tried making small conversations too, and meh I failed. It ended up with more awkward silence I guess.
I don't know anything about you anymore. Somehow I could feel that you're okay, yet somehow sometimes I felt that you're not and I'm just a nuisance. I get so confused around you damn it.
I seriously don't know what I should do anymore. I can't exactly walk away cause I still have to face you and I need your help. Sigh.
Meh I don't even know what I'm babbling about anymore, and somehow listening to Gackt's Last Song, the guitar made me want to cry so much.
Fine, I go cry. Ciao.
I thought I was finding my way out, but I guess I'm wrong again.
I don't know if I do have feelings for you, or if everything is just an illusion I created for myself.
Somehow nothing feels right, yet it couldn't possibly feel more right than it is?
Silence fills in between us, I just don't know what to say. At first it doesn't feel awkward, it somehow feels right, like that's just how it should be. But then after a while it does get awkward.
Awkward silence. I feel it strongly, and I have no idea what to say.
I think you felt it too, you tried making small conversations. Or maybe you really need to ask me those questions and it's all my own illusion again. I tried making small conversations too, and meh I failed. It ended up with more awkward silence I guess.
I don't know anything about you anymore. Somehow I could feel that you're okay, yet somehow sometimes I felt that you're not and I'm just a nuisance. I get so confused around you damn it.
I seriously don't know what I should do anymore. I can't exactly walk away cause I still have to face you and I need your help. Sigh.
Meh I don't even know what I'm babbling about anymore, and somehow listening to Gackt's Last Song, the guitar made me want to cry so much.
Fine, I go cry. Ciao.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
In and out, hot and cold, up and down.
I guess the tittle is what describe me best these days?
My mood kept changing.
I could be so hyper and happy one minute, then I'll switch to damn emo and sad.
And vice versa.
Like today, after coming back from Hospital Sungai Long Fun Run, I felt awesome.
Then after a while, I was feeling down. I just felt kind of moodless. -_-
And I think I keep switching between being an extrovert and an introvert -___-
Normally I love going out mingling with peeps, and just simply chat and talk to people.
But then past few days there'll be time when I wanna shout 'Fuck offffffff' when someone talk to me. But of course I can't do that. I'll just make an excuse and go away. Sigh.
There'll be days when I want to be alone all the time, without needing to talk to ANYONE at all. Felt like camping in front of the tv/pc watching NANA, or just snuggling in on the couch reading a book with a cup of hot drink under the air-cond.
Or there'll be days when I want to go out and do stupid things with friends lol. And I'll feel extremely unenergetic if I did not get to socialize with people/ Scumbag brain, WHAT DO YOU WANT.
Sigh =w= I no longer knows what I really want or really feel. I'm lost. Mehhh.
Now I'm listening to songs I'm supposed to learn up for the band. Somehow I don't have the mood to learn it up these few days, and I don't know why. I have no motivation at all. zzzzzz.
And there's 2 weeks till our audition, and a gig. FML.
I hope I could really focus on the songs, but my mind kept wandering away.
But one thing that I'll promise myself is that I'll learn up the songs properly by this week. I have to.
Oh well I don't even know what I'm ranting about here. Just procrastinating I guess :/
And I guess enough rubbish for tonight.
Ciao.
My mood kept changing.
I could be so hyper and happy one minute, then I'll switch to damn emo and sad.
And vice versa.
Like today, after coming back from Hospital Sungai Long Fun Run, I felt awesome.
Then after a while, I was feeling down. I just felt kind of moodless. -_-
And I think I keep switching between being an extrovert and an introvert -___-
Normally I love going out mingling with peeps, and just simply chat and talk to people.
But then past few days there'll be time when I wanna shout 'Fuck offffffff' when someone talk to me. But of course I can't do that. I'll just make an excuse and go away. Sigh.
There'll be days when I want to be alone all the time, without needing to talk to ANYONE at all. Felt like camping in front of the tv/pc watching NANA, or just snuggling in on the couch reading a book with a cup of hot drink under the air-cond.
Or there'll be days when I want to go out and do stupid things with friends lol. And I'll feel extremely unenergetic if I did not get to socialize with people/ Scumbag brain, WHAT DO YOU WANT.
Sigh =w= I no longer knows what I really want or really feel. I'm lost. Mehhh.
Now I'm listening to songs I'm supposed to learn up for the band. Somehow I don't have the mood to learn it up these few days, and I don't know why. I have no motivation at all. zzzzzz.
And there's 2 weeks till our audition, and a gig. FML.
I hope I could really focus on the songs, but my mind kept wandering away.
But one thing that I'll promise myself is that I'll learn up the songs properly by this week. I have to.
Oh well I don't even know what I'm ranting about here. Just procrastinating I guess :/
And I guess enough rubbish for tonight.
Ciao.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Fed up.
I feel awful right now.
I wish you would stop blocking everything and face everything that come instead. Everytime I talked about future stuffs, you would reply "Finish your SPM" first la. Even just now. Fuck it I only have 1 subject left, and then it's FUCKING OVER.
When will you start listening??
When will you stop blocking away everything??!
I know everything is hard. Very hard. I know being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in life. But there are still ways.
I know you are fed up. I'm fed up too. But we can't give up.
I know you hate your job.
But you can get more students if take the effort to. That's what you have to do.
Fuck it, I hate studying, but I still have to study.
I'm sorry that I've slacked and my results are not good.
I wish I could get a scholarship too.
But NO, SPM is almost over. It's too late now. I can only hope for the best for my results.
If only you would stop blocking everything and start planning instead since the start. We won't be in this stupid situation now.
I would be able to continue my studies. I can't even plan right now cause you refuse to listen.
I can't do what I really want to do.
Its breaking my heart that I am actually thinking and saying all of this. I'm sorry.
I wish I am selfish enough to let you know. But I can't. I can't bear to let you worry much more. But I can't help feeling this way. I'm so frustrated and disappointed at the same time.
It hurts so much. I can't say anything at all.
And I can't see my future right now.
I hate to say this, but it's all your fault.
I wish you would stop blocking everything and face everything that come instead. Everytime I talked about future stuffs, you would reply "Finish your SPM" first la. Even just now. Fuck it I only have 1 subject left, and then it's FUCKING OVER.
When will you start listening??
When will you stop blocking away everything??!
I know everything is hard. Very hard. I know being a single mom is one of the hardest thing in life. But there are still ways.
I know you are fed up. I'm fed up too. But we can't give up.
I know you hate your job.
But you can get more students if take the effort to. That's what you have to do.
Fuck it, I hate studying, but I still have to study.
I'm sorry that I've slacked and my results are not good.
I wish I could get a scholarship too.
But NO, SPM is almost over. It's too late now. I can only hope for the best for my results.
If only you would stop blocking everything and start planning instead since the start. We won't be in this stupid situation now.
I would be able to continue my studies. I can't even plan right now cause you refuse to listen.
I can't do what I really want to do.
Its breaking my heart that I am actually thinking and saying all of this. I'm sorry.
I wish I am selfish enough to let you know. But I can't. I can't bear to let you worry much more. But I can't help feeling this way. I'm so frustrated and disappointed at the same time.
It hurts so much. I can't say anything at all.
And I can't see my future right now.
I hate to say this, but it's all your fault.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Updates
Hello people, I meant to blog on the day before SPM start, but then using a phone to blog is too much of a hassle. So today I got the chance to use a computer yay!
SPM started on 5th of November, which is 6 days ago lol.
The first day was Bahasa Melayu paper, and the question that came out surprised me.
They did not ask about stuff that most teachers aimed for, which is about parents or teenagers, or sports.
Instead, we had to write about the activities held in school on Independence Day wth. =A=
Then there's also some questions about cleanliness, motivation camp, etc.
On 6th of November, we have English paper. Again, question surprised me too.
On the novel section, we had to write about events that makes us angry in the novel. -.-
All my life in school I've been taught to write about positive aspects.
Suddenly I have to write a negative feedback. When I saw the question, I'm like '........'
SHIT WHAT SHOULD I WRITE.
But luckily I read the whole novel before, and I recall back chapter by chapter lol.
The next paper is History. Ahahaha. Stupid bloody history.
It's hard. They touched topics that no one thought would be asked. And the way the ask the question is not specific at all fml. And it ended up me writing almost everything I knew into it.
Cause I did not know what they are asking zzz. But at least they won't cut marks in history.
So it's better to be safe than sorry lol.
Then it's the Maths paper. Hmmm no comment on that one I think it'll be alright :3
Except that my paper 1 is a little..ughh :/
There's a question asking about prime number, and I answered wrongly because I thought 1 is a prime number. FML.
Then Crystal told me it's not, and she said the reason she knew is because I, MYSELF posted in facebook before, saying that 1 is not a prime number. WTH. BRAIN Y U NO REMEMBER.
Anyway, after that math paper is a 10 days break. =w=
At first I hate the gap cause I want SPM to be done as soon as possible, but right now I'm glad we have the break. More time to study lol.
There's still 6 paper left, Moral, Additional Math, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and Agriculture Science. Can't wait for it to be over. lol.
Even now I've packed all the books that I won't need to use anymore. Dumped it all in a big bag to be recycled :DDD
Lol in this week break I slacked a little :x
I kept trying to learn the guitar lol xD
xD
Oh by the way went to the dentist just now lol.
The last time I went was...11 years ago??
Lol. :x
Actually went to get my teeth filled, cause 2 days ago it hurts, and I thought I felt a hole there.
But turn out the dentist said my teeth is perfectly fine =A=
....I wonder why it hurts then.
Meh anyway nothing more to be said I guess lol. Byeeeee
SPM started on 5th of November, which is 6 days ago lol.
The first day was Bahasa Melayu paper, and the question that came out surprised me.
They did not ask about stuff that most teachers aimed for, which is about parents or teenagers, or sports.
Instead, we had to write about the activities held in school on Independence Day wth. =A=
Then there's also some questions about cleanliness, motivation camp, etc.
On 6th of November, we have English paper. Again, question surprised me too.
On the novel section, we had to write about events that makes us angry in the novel. -.-
All my life in school I've been taught to write about positive aspects.
Suddenly I have to write a negative feedback. When I saw the question, I'm like '........'
SHIT WHAT SHOULD I WRITE.
But luckily I read the whole novel before, and I recall back chapter by chapter lol.
The next paper is History. Ahahaha. Stupid bloody history.
It's hard. They touched topics that no one thought would be asked. And the way the ask the question is not specific at all fml. And it ended up me writing almost everything I knew into it.
Cause I did not know what they are asking zzz. But at least they won't cut marks in history.
So it's better to be safe than sorry lol.
Then it's the Maths paper. Hmmm no comment on that one I think it'll be alright :3
Except that my paper 1 is a little..ughh :/
There's a question asking about prime number, and I answered wrongly because I thought 1 is a prime number. FML.
Then Crystal told me it's not, and she said the reason she knew is because I, MYSELF posted in facebook before, saying that 1 is not a prime number. WTH. BRAIN Y U NO REMEMBER.
Anyway, after that math paper is a 10 days break. =w=
At first I hate the gap cause I want SPM to be done as soon as possible, but right now I'm glad we have the break. More time to study lol.
There's still 6 paper left, Moral, Additional Math, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and Agriculture Science. Can't wait for it to be over. lol.
Even now I've packed all the books that I won't need to use anymore. Dumped it all in a big bag to be recycled :DDD
Lol in this week break I slacked a little :x
I kept trying to learn the guitar lol xD
xD
Oh by the way went to the dentist just now lol.
The last time I went was...11 years ago??
Lol. :x
Actually went to get my teeth filled, cause 2 days ago it hurts, and I thought I felt a hole there.
But turn out the dentist said my teeth is perfectly fine =A=
....I wonder why it hurts then.
Meh anyway nothing more to be said I guess lol. Byeeeee
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tired, exhausted, weakened.
I'm exhausted.
I don't know what's happening to me, I used to be so different.
I used to be interested in studies.
My results before were considered above average.
UPSR, I got 4A1B.
PMR, I got 5A2B.
But ever since form 4, all I got was C and D. Max amount of A is only 3. Worse, I'll fail at least 2 subjects.
SPM is only 16 days away.
I can't bring myself to study.
I mean, I can't fucking concentrate. I'll just stare at my books, thinking of goodness knows what. Or I'll try doing some questions, but when I can't do it, I'll switch to another subject. This cycle keep repeating, and ended in me being frustrated and go play my phone or piano instead. Screw it.
I'm running out of time. I don't have the time to study all subjects chapter by chapter now. I need to do as many exercises as possible.
But the worse thing is, I hate doing that. I don't mean I hate doing exercises, I hate learning through exercises when I did not understand anything.
I'll think, what's the point trying to do it when I have no idea whats its about?
I'm the type that needs to understand completely, I can't fucking memorize.
I hate memorizing and not understanding.
I'm regretting all the times I've wasted now. All the times I did not pay attention in class. All the times I ponteng.
There's only myself to blame.
ARRGGGHHHH. I'm feeling disgusted at myself.
I'm an idiot. I can't just rely on my friends to teach me. I have to help myself too.
Screw all this shit.
I want to do everything yet I can't do anything.
My feelings are torn in between everything.
I get distracted easily.
I don't know how I should study.
Everytime I study I will feel I'm studying using the wrong method.
The ironic thing is I should be studying now instead of blogging. Yet I'm still here, whining my ass away and being so weak.
:/
I've deactivated my Facebook for now.
It's better. When I'm on Facebook, I go on it every freaking 5 minutes. Lol.
Though whether deactivating will help me or not, I can't tell.
Sigh. Screw everything.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so stressed out.
I've been having bad night sleep for some time now. Every fucking night, I'll wake in the middle of the night. Been happening for at least 2 weeks now.
And I get tired easily. Sometimes randomly my eyes will get out of focus. I hate these things happening to me ARRRGGGHHH.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so weak.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Screw everything, I'll do my best to fight.
I'll gain my own confidence back whatever it takes.
I'll stop whining now, and do what needs to be done.
I'm not going to let myself fall now.
Not ever.
Not when I've been so strong before and managed to fight everything. If I can do it before I can do it again.
Fuck this shit, I'll fight.
Whether I fail or not, Im not going to let it bother me. As long as I've fought.
I'll not let myself fall without reaching for a hold.
I'll survive.
_________________________________
Funny how I could change my feelings so fast.
Lol.
But yeah, I've done whining, and I'll fight.
I don't know what's happening to me, I used to be so different.
I used to be interested in studies.
My results before were considered above average.
UPSR, I got 4A1B.
PMR, I got 5A2B.
But ever since form 4, all I got was C and D. Max amount of A is only 3. Worse, I'll fail at least 2 subjects.
SPM is only 16 days away.
I can't bring myself to study.
I mean, I can't fucking concentrate. I'll just stare at my books, thinking of goodness knows what. Or I'll try doing some questions, but when I can't do it, I'll switch to another subject. This cycle keep repeating, and ended in me being frustrated and go play my phone or piano instead. Screw it.
I'm running out of time. I don't have the time to study all subjects chapter by chapter now. I need to do as many exercises as possible.
But the worse thing is, I hate doing that. I don't mean I hate doing exercises, I hate learning through exercises when I did not understand anything.
I'll think, what's the point trying to do it when I have no idea whats its about?
I'm the type that needs to understand completely, I can't fucking memorize.
I hate memorizing and not understanding.
I'm regretting all the times I've wasted now. All the times I did not pay attention in class. All the times I ponteng.
There's only myself to blame.
ARRGGGHHHH. I'm feeling disgusted at myself.
I'm an idiot. I can't just rely on my friends to teach me. I have to help myself too.
Screw all this shit.
I want to do everything yet I can't do anything.
My feelings are torn in between everything.
I get distracted easily.
I don't know how I should study.
Everytime I study I will feel I'm studying using the wrong method.
The ironic thing is I should be studying now instead of blogging. Yet I'm still here, whining my ass away and being so weak.
:/
I've deactivated my Facebook for now.
It's better. When I'm on Facebook, I go on it every freaking 5 minutes. Lol.
Though whether deactivating will help me or not, I can't tell.
Sigh. Screw everything.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so stressed out.
I've been having bad night sleep for some time now. Every fucking night, I'll wake in the middle of the night. Been happening for at least 2 weeks now.
And I get tired easily. Sometimes randomly my eyes will get out of focus. I hate these things happening to me ARRRGGGHHH.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so weak.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Screw everything, I'll do my best to fight.
I'll gain my own confidence back whatever it takes.
I'll stop whining now, and do what needs to be done.
I'm not going to let myself fall now.
Not ever.
Not when I've been so strong before and managed to fight everything. If I can do it before I can do it again.
Fuck this shit, I'll fight.
Whether I fail or not, Im not going to let it bother me. As long as I've fought.
I'll not let myself fall without reaching for a hold.
I'll survive.
_________________________________
Funny how I could change my feelings so fast.
Lol.
But yeah, I've done whining, and I'll fight.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Stupid me
Gahhhhh. Hating myself now.
Why am I so stupid?????
Hating my stupidity, my lazyness...
Right now I'm regretting, regretting that I never grab the chances when I have it, regretting that I take things for granted.
WHY AM I SO LAZY?!
Why is it that my willpower is so weak?
Why can't I keep to my own words?
And here I am, being useless, ranting and wasting time and being useless and all over again.....
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Someone help me please :/
Teach me how to stick to my own will, how to stop being so lazy......
This is bullshit huh :/
Here I am, ranting and ranting and ranting when I could use the time I'm using now to do beneficial things...
OTL
I'M USELESSSS GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
:/
Stupid me stupid me stupid me stupid me
Why am I so stupid?????
Hating my stupidity, my lazyness...
Right now I'm regretting, regretting that I never grab the chances when I have it, regretting that I take things for granted.
WHY AM I SO LAZY?!
Why is it that my willpower is so weak?
Why can't I keep to my own words?
And here I am, being useless, ranting and wasting time and being useless and all over again.....
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Someone help me please :/
Teach me how to stick to my own will, how to stop being so lazy......
This is bullshit huh :/
Here I am, ranting and ranting and ranting when I could use the time I'm using now to do beneficial things...
OTL
I'M USELESSSS GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
:/
Stupid me stupid me stupid me stupid me
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mid term Exam!!! _|_
Sigh...Today at school damn my feeling is damn down..><" But after recess, I'm better~ Can't be down for long with such crazy friends and classmates~
I'm really stressed out yesterday night, till I cried. ._.
It's not only because of exam, it's everything mixed up together.
My piano, I've got stacks of pass year papers to do, and I don't like music theory. I'm very slow at it sigh...
Then, I still haven't practice the piece my teacher ask me to play, and also my exam pieces sigh....
Then Japanese class...I've missed 2 class now, FML.
So many homework need to do, and so many things to revise too..
Exam N3 at July, and I don't want to fail...But looking at my books, what with all the kanji and grammar to remember, I wonder if I can pass..So damn many things to study, sigh......
And STUPID SCHOOL EXAM.
I din't go for tuition, and the teachers at school sucks, so I din't pay much attention. Doesn't matter anyway, because I won't understand even if I pay attention. Those teachers don't know how to teach, they're always off topic. Fuck.
And the day after tomorrow is exam. Damn, I don't even know which chapter I need to read nor the format of the exam. Right now, I'm not so worried as yesterday, because I found out the time for additional maths, physics, biology, and chemist will next week. Thank goodness. I will still have some time.
Sigh, right now I'm studying Bahasa Melayu, komsas. And damn, I haven't even start on history yet. Stupid history, I HATE YOU!! And the stuopid history teacher to =_=!
She doesn't even know what she's teaching! And she din't even teach, lazy idiot ==!
Always ask the students to do presentation while you sit behind and act pro. Fuck.
Sigh, I'm getting really mad now. How do the government and school expect the student to get good results if the teacher is bullshit?! How the hell did those so called 'teachers' qualify to teach? DAMN.
Sigh. Sometimes I just wish I could go awat from Malaysia. Damn.
~Joee~
I'm really stressed out yesterday night, till I cried. ._.
It's not only because of exam, it's everything mixed up together.
My piano, I've got stacks of pass year papers to do, and I don't like music theory. I'm very slow at it sigh...
Then, I still haven't practice the piece my teacher ask me to play, and also my exam pieces sigh....
Then Japanese class...I've missed 2 class now, FML.
So many homework need to do, and so many things to revise too..
Exam N3 at July, and I don't want to fail...But looking at my books, what with all the kanji and grammar to remember, I wonder if I can pass..So damn many things to study, sigh......
And STUPID SCHOOL EXAM.
I din't go for tuition, and the teachers at school sucks, so I din't pay much attention. Doesn't matter anyway, because I won't understand even if I pay attention. Those teachers don't know how to teach, they're always off topic. Fuck.
And the day after tomorrow is exam. Damn, I don't even know which chapter I need to read nor the format of the exam. Right now, I'm not so worried as yesterday, because I found out the time for additional maths, physics, biology, and chemist will next week. Thank goodness. I will still have some time.
Sigh, right now I'm studying Bahasa Melayu, komsas. And damn, I haven't even start on history yet. Stupid history, I HATE YOU!! And the stuopid history teacher to =_=!
She doesn't even know what she's teaching! And she din't even teach, lazy idiot ==!
Always ask the students to do presentation while you sit behind and act pro. Fuck.
Sigh, I'm getting really mad now. How do the government and school expect the student to get good results if the teacher is bullshit?! How the hell did those so called 'teachers' qualify to teach? DAMN.
Sigh. Sometimes I just wish I could go awat from Malaysia. Damn.
~Joee~
Thursday, April 28, 2011
FML
Geez. Nowdays I'm so useless. Everything I do FAIL. FAIL. FAIL!!! FML.
Why the hell I can't seem to memorize my piano songs?? Why can't I sing like I wanted to? Why can't I have the willpower to keep up my diet and exercise?! FUCK.
And why the hell I can't find enough willpower to study?!!!
My school studies SUCK, my japanese SUCK, my music theory SUCK.
FML.
T^T
I tried, tried, tried...But everything just SUCK.
Maybe I din't try hard enough?
Sigh.
I'm so down nowdays =_= No confidence.
Geez. And I know I seem okay, but I'm not.
Because I'm faker.
I hate faker.
And I hate myself.
~Joee~
Why the hell I can't seem to memorize my piano songs?? Why can't I sing like I wanted to? Why can't I have the willpower to keep up my diet and exercise?! FUCK.
And why the hell I can't find enough willpower to study?!!!
My school studies SUCK, my japanese SUCK, my music theory SUCK.
FML.
T^T
I tried, tried, tried...But everything just SUCK.
Maybe I din't try hard enough?
Sigh.
I'm so down nowdays =_= No confidence.
Geez. And I know I seem okay, but I'm not.
Because I'm faker.
I hate faker.
And I hate myself.
~Joee~
Friday, March 11, 2011
Pray.
I pray for everyone in Japan.
May the people stuck in buildings, houses, or just simply anywhere be rescued soon.
I pray for innocent young life to be saved.
May the one's gone from the world rest in peace.
I pray for the tsunami to pass over soon.
Please, let everything be okay.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Helpless...
Main reason I'm here blogging now is I'm sad and I feel depressed...I was reading a book just now, tittled 'Six Bad Boys'...It's about family..Family problems...Happy family...Some were similiar to mine...Reading these reminds me the kind of family I have..Yeah, I have a great family, but something's missing...It's the word 'Dad'..I have not said this word since I'm seven years old....I miss it...My only wish is this, to be able to said 'Dad' again, so that whenever I come home from school, mum would be here to welcome me...I hate coming home alone, no one except my brother that's either gaming or sleeping...I hate coming home having nothing to eat, having to prepare my own food...I hate the loneliness I feel everyday at home...Soon, bro would be going to college.. .I'll be left completely alone..Only have my dogs to accompany me...I hate seeing my future, my family future so damn unstable...I hate seeing mum worry, tired, unhappy...I want a normal life with a complete family..I r hate the way I'm hanging now...It hurts...Sometimes I wish that some of my friends would realizes how lucky they were, to have someone to pick you up from whatever whatever, to have a mum to cook for you, to have someone to call Dad.
Yeah, I have posted a post similiar to this before, about my complicated life. It's just that I can't help it, I'm feeling damn depressed and need to tell someone...I'm just a plain coward, I don't dare to tell personally, so I guess I would just post it here...Hopefully you'll understand.
Yeah, I have posted a post similiar to this before, about my complicated life. It's just that I can't help it, I'm feeling damn depressed and need to tell someone...I'm just a plain coward, I don't dare to tell personally, so I guess I would just post it here...Hopefully you'll understand.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Why?
icantunderstandwhyyouhavetoleftus.yeah,iknowiamonly7whenyouleft,
ihavenofeelingsthattimebacauseidontunderstand
anything.ihaveveryfewmemoriesofyou,butistillremembersometimes
whenyouaremadorhappywithme.rememberingthosememoriesdoeshurt,
butitsthepresentthathurtsmost.mumhavetoworkreallyhardtoraisebro,
kyeeandme.itsuckstoseemumunhappysometimes.ifonlyyouarehere
insteadofheavenmumwonthavetoworksohard.she'llbeahousewife,
right?imissthetimewhenshewasstillahousewife.
istillrememberthosetimeswhenshecookforus,
fetchushoomefromandtoschoolandhelpmepaymyfeeatschool
wheniminstandard1.wheniminstandard2,you'vealreadyleft.
mumhavetowork.istillremember,ihavetopaytheschoolfeemyself
thattime.itjusthurts.ireallymisshavingahousewifemum.
sometimes,seeingmyfriendsthathavetheirmumstopickthemupafter
schoolmakemefeeljealous.itsstupidtofeelthatway,iknow.
butijustcantit,iguess.dad,iwishyouwerehere.
mumwonthavetoworksohardandgetsostressed,right?
Sigh..I dunno why im letting you guys know. maybe it was too painful to keep it in my heart for so long?
anyway, you wont understand what im typing, so, well, its nothing i guess.
~Noriko~
どうして？りゆうしりたい。。。
ihavenofeelingsthattimebacauseidontunderstand
anything.ihaveveryfewmemoriesofyou,butistillremembersometimes
whenyouaremadorhappywithme.rememberingthosememoriesdoeshurt,
butitsthepresentthathurtsmost.mumhavetoworkreallyhardtoraisebro,
kyeeandme.itsuckstoseemumunhappysometimes.ifonlyyouarehere
insteadofheavenmumwonthavetoworksohard.she'llbeahousewife,
right?imissthetimewhenshewasstillahousewife.
istillrememberthosetimeswhenshecookforus,
fetchushoomefromandtoschoolandhelpmepaymyfeeatschool
wheniminstandard1.wheniminstandard2,you'vealreadyleft.
mumhavetowork.istillremember,ihavetopaytheschoolfeemyself
thattime.itjusthurts.ireallymisshavingahousewifemum.
sometimes,seeingmyfriendsthathavetheirmumstopickthemupafter
schoolmakemefeeljealous.itsstupidtofeelthatway,iknow.
butijustcantit,iguess.dad,iwishyouwerehere.
mumwonthavetoworksohardandgetsostressed,right?
Sigh..I dunno why im letting you guys know. maybe it was too painful to keep it in my heart for so long?
anyway, you wont understand what im typing, so, well, its nothing i guess.
~Noriko~
どうして？りゆうしりたい。。。
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I need someone...
I need someone to lend me their shoulders....
I need someone to listen to me.....
I need someone to understand me...
I need someone to tell me that they care about me...
I need someone to comfort me...
It hurts so much, to have feelings but not being able to cry...To have to fake a smile all the time....To keep everything in my heart alone....I hate crying in front of people, that's why I din't dare to tell...I know I'll cry if I do...It just hurts...Futhermore, they won't understand me, will they? They're not me, they don't have the same life as me...I may seem like a lucky and happy girl, but I'm not really happy at all...Yeah, I'm lucky, but it's not the type of luck I want...Can't I just have a normal life like most of them have? It hurts.............
~Noriko~
だれかつくって。。。いたみけしてよ。。。くるしよ。。。
I need someone to listen to me.....
I need someone to understand me...
I need someone to tell me that they care about me...
I need someone to comfort me...
It hurts so much, to have feelings but not being able to cry...To have to fake a smile all the time....To keep everything in my heart alone....I hate crying in front of people, that's why I din't dare to tell...I know I'll cry if I do...It just hurts...Futhermore, they won't understand me, will they? They're not me, they don't have the same life as me...I may seem like a lucky and happy girl, but I'm not really happy at all...Yeah, I'm lucky, but it's not the type of luck I want...Can't I just have a normal life like most of them have? It hurts.............
~Noriko~
だれかつくって。。。いたみけしてよ。。。くるしよ。。。
Monday, May 24, 2010
VOTE FOR ME PLEASE!!!
Guys, I'm entering a contest, and I need your help. Please join this group on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Malaysias-Got-T
And then please watch this video of me playing a song that I composed:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Malaysias-Got-Talent/122381621118579#!/video/video.php?v=1456589821648&oid=113037775404508
If you LIKE this video, please click the 'Like" button. This will vote for me, if you have ALREADY joined the group. If you don't like but you're my friend, please don't click 'Like'. I hate fakers. Anyway, thank you very much if you did vote for me!! =)
~Noriko~
みんなさのねがいします！
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Malaysias-Got-T
And then please watch this video of me playing a song that I composed:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Malaysias-Got-Talent/122381621118579#!/video/video.php?v=1456589821648&oid=113037775404508
If you LIKE this video, please click the 'Like" button. This will vote for me, if you have ALREADY joined the group. If you don't like but you're my friend, please don't click 'Like'. I hate fakers. Anyway, thank you very much if you did vote for me!! =)
~Noriko~
みんなさのねがいします！
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