Tired, exhausted, weakened.

I'm exhausted.
I don't know what's happening to me, I used to be so different.
I used to be interested in studies.
My results before were considered above average.
UPSR, I got 4A1B.
PMR, I got 5A2B.
But ever since form 4, all I got was C and D. Max amount of A is only 3. Worse, I'll fail at least 2 subjects.

SPM is only 16 days away.
I can't bring myself to study.
I mean, I can't fucking concentrate. I'll just stare at my books, thinking of goodness knows what. Or I'll try doing some questions, but when I can't do it, I'll switch to another subject. This cycle keep repeating, and ended in me being frustrated and go play my phone or piano instead. Screw it.

I'm running out of time. I don't have the time to study all subjects chapter by chapter now. I need to do as many exercises as possible.
But the worse thing is, I hate doing that. I don't mean I hate doing exercises, I hate learning through exercises when I did not understand anything.
I'll think, what's the point trying to do it when I have no idea whats its about?
I'm the type that needs to understand completely, I can't fucking memorize.
I hate memorizing and not understanding.

I'm regretting all the times I've wasted now. All the times I did not pay attention in class. All the times I ponteng.
There's only myself to blame.

ARRGGGHHHH. I'm feeling disgusted at myself.
I'm an idiot. I can't just rely on my friends to teach me. I have to help myself too.

Screw all this shit. 
I want to do everything yet I can't do anything.
My feelings are torn in between everything.
I get distracted easily.
I don't know how I should study.
Everytime I study I will feel I'm studying using the wrong method.

The ironic thing is I should be studying now instead of blogging. Yet I'm still here, whining my ass away and being so weak.
:/

I've deactivated my Facebook for now.
It's better. When I'm on Facebook, I go on it every freaking 5 minutes. Lol.
Though whether deactivating will help me or not, I can't tell.
Sigh. Screw everything.
I can't believe I'm letting myself be so stressed out.

I've been having bad night sleep for some time now. Every fucking night, I'll wake in the middle of the night. Been happening for at least 2 weeks now.
And I get tired easily. Sometimes randomly my eyes will get out of focus. I hate these things happening to me ARRRGGGHHH.

I can't believe I'm letting myself be so weak.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Screw everything, I'll do my best to fight.
I'll gain my own confidence back whatever it takes.
I'll stop whining now, and do what needs to be done.

I'm not going to let myself fall now.
Not ever.
Not when I've been so strong before and managed to fight everything. If I can do it before I can do it again.

Fuck this shit, I'll fight.
Whether I fail or not, Im not going to let it bother me. As long as I've fought.

I'll not let myself fall without reaching for a hold.
I'll survive.

_________________________________

Funny how I could change my feelings so fast.
Lol.

But yeah, I've done whining, and I'll fight.