Night Thoughts

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Artwork of naela ali

I am again, waiting.

For news, for another job, for a goal, for a purpose, for passion.
It sucks being lost.

Anyone would think I should be used to it by now though, haha.


Well, fingers is kept crossed, and I will be okay, in time.
I will do my best to better myself, and it is okay to be down at times.

Heh. My first post in the year of 2017 and I am writing it near the end of the year.

It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. So I got out of a relationship last year, dive into another one 3 months later, and that lasted only 10 months as well lol. What's with both of my past 2 relationships just lasting for 10 months? And why do they both ends in October?!

Anyway.....I am back to Kuala Lumpur now.
The Vietnam chapter of my book is closed. No more working there anymore. Even if I do go back, it will be just for travel.

Reasons I am back to Kuala Lumpur again now is because of yet another hurdle to my family. My mom especially.

She found out her heart is blocked, with only 30% of oxygen flow left.
For whatever reasons (I think it's because her heart isn't strong enough or something like that), she won't be able to do Angioplasty, she have to go through the Heart Bypass surgery. My mom have to quit her job, since she isn't that well now and she is weak.

Me, I have to come home and be the slave haha.
Do housework, run errands, settle documents and shits, be her driver, stuff like that. But yeah, I am back here to help and be around her.

I rushed home last minute cause my mom was hospitalized. And I was freaked out by my brother calling me saying that I should come back and see her just in case any shit happens. Since my uncle passed away suddenly last year because of his heart too. I miss him, I never got to see him in over a year, and I never got to say goodbye....

Anyway.
I'm back. Whether I like it or not.
At times I feel really happy to be around my family and friends, but at times I feel like my life has been taken and turned upside down. This wasn't my plan.

I wanted to work in Phu Quoc until the low season, then come home, and head to Europe and study music. But now, I am forced to be back here, to face things I didn't want to face.
I am lost, and I could not find out what I want here. I feel like I don't belong, I miss the sea, the beach, the nature, the quiet life.
I didn't ask for a hectic city lifestyle :/

And I have to find a job here too. I went for 3 interviews in a day last week.
I left the first interview feeling extremely miserable. Not because that I didn't get the job, but it kinda hit me hard that I didn't know exactly what I wanna do, how lost I was, and how much I hated the working environment in Kuala Lumpur.

Basically, I applied for a position and a Japanese Speaking Travel Coordinator. I failed the Japanese translation test (written). Lol I applied thinking that it'll be more of speaking Japanese than translating emails. They told me my spoken Japanese is good, but they need someone for written translation. So...Meh.

As I left the place and drove to a second interview, I broke down in the car.
I hated that I have to be back here, and in that moment I almost skipped all other interviews I have and almost decide to go to the beach instead (2 hours drive). Yeah, that's how much I miss the sea.
I hate that I have to find some job that I don't really like. I hate that people here are so uptight and stressed. Everyone felt like a zombie to me.

But well the boring and sensible part got the better of me and I still went off to the remaining interviews. One of it are interested, they followed up with 2 calls for me to finish the assesment test, but I didn't complete it and told them to cancel my application. The thought of working in an office is just not me. I applied for the job thinking it's more of face to face customer care, not stuck in a corner answering calls and emails.

The other job interview, I got offered a job. But I still decide to decline it because the offered salary wasn't enough. Sigh I felt bad for wasting their time and my time. But I guess now I should just focus on my mom and home, and only think about jobs starting next year. I was rushing with applying jobs cause I felt trapped at home, and restless.

But now that I bought a piano, and I am a bit more free with mom getting better (although her surgery won't be until next week) I am more happy. I think it's the piano working it's magic, and some beer and tinder dates HAHA.

Anyway......I guess this is life. We don't always get what we want, but we just have to try the best possible..

Just keep walking

Hello blog.

Suddenly, I have the mood to update again.
It's been an overwhelming past 2 months.

I didn't mention it on the blog, but since 01/012016, I got into a relationship.
The relationship ended on 10/10/2016.

The numbers were never planned. It just happened. It's so weird..

Lol fuck my emotions. I thought I am okay but just writing this is making me tear up again.
Anyway, not here to talk about my past relationship.
I just want to talk about how I'm moving on.

Now I'm thinking about it, many things seem really weird.

The very day I broke up, I went out with someone, let me just call him Fatty haha.
I thought we would go as a group, ended up it's only me and him wtf. And this Fatty, tried to get me to start a relationship with him.

I don't know who the fuck he think he is, but wtf we just fucking met. How crazy and desperate can someone get?

The next day, another guy tried to ask for my number.
Sounds normal, but I rarely get someone asking for my number hahahah.

And then one of my friend randomly told me he broke up with his gf a day before. Which makes it the same day I broke up with my ex.

To me, all these are weird...


Fast forward a few weeks, a new staff started working. Some similar aspects to my ex, and then I found out, they both have the same name. Another wtf moment for me.

I know, it's only me that feel this way. Other people are probably like, nah nothing special.

We became friends, and funny thing is I am not that make the first approach.
And now, I sometimes find myself questioning, and I getting interested in this new person? Or vice versa?

And sometimes I sense we are both similar. Suffering from loneliness perhaps, or sadness, whatever. And both desperate to find a companion, to take away the pain..
To escape from the loneliness.

I don't know what this will lead to, probably nothing but just friends, but I don't want to repeat the same mistake my ex did to me, the last time I want to do is do what my ex did to me.

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But of course, that wasn't the only thing helping me move on I guess. I am moving on, but not fully.

When I just broke up, I was lucky to have made a good friend that let me stay with her all the time. To talk to me, distract me from everything, to remind me I have to stay strong for me.

Being in a foreign country far away from all my comforts, it is hard to go through something like this. Especially when I didn't have a close friend here. At the time I broke up, all I wanted to do is to go back home, where my family and friends is.

To escape from this island, where the memories of me with my ex is EVERYWHERE.
Everywhere I go, I will be reminded of the past. There is no escape..

I can only force myself to go out and meet people.

As a result, I got on Tinder, and met some guys there. Just meet up as friends, travelling around..

But even if I am distracted in the day, by night fall when I am alone in my room, I can do nothing but remember it all and face my memories.

Time does heal though. It may be slow, but it does heal.

Now I am much better.
I can finally accept being by myself again.


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I have also picked up a part time job.

I'm a nanny now!

Meet little Ella!

Adorable little girl :)

It was quite easy taking care of her, although it can be really tiring.

She is full of imagination, and demands my full attention to play with her haha.

Keeping myself busy is good for me I guess.

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As usual, a very messy post.

I wonder if the future me will understand. H

Haha maybe she will, as I could still understand the old post I wrote.

Okay signing off now.

I'll be fine with time :)

Lost my spirits

Seems like I've abandoned my blog...

There is so many things happening, so many emotions within me, I just can't keep up anymore.

Working in this company, I was happy at first. I met new friends, visit new places, minimal problems with my boss.

But when it's time to renew, problems start. Delays start. I was supposed to go home in May for a vacation, Now it's almost July, and I still am waiting for news. I'm so tired of asking everyday. 

Now, I'm all alone here. All my close friends have left. The closest friend will come back to this island in a week, thank god for that, but it's just different as she's not working on the same hotel anymore. I miss her.

My emotions is like the waves here, on this rainy season. HUGE crashing waves, spinning my emotions in turmoil. At times, it's calm. But there will be no warning when it will get rough.
I'm so tired of everything. Especially myself. My emotion.

Yesterday, I went out with the bands from another hotel, we explored around and met other bands.
It was a night of laughter for me. But yet when I got back, I broke down until I feel asleep.
When I woke up, I didn't even realize that it's morning. I thought I was just having an afternoon nap.

I have no idea what's happening to me.
All these waiting, it's exhausting.


Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy working on this island. It's just that the problems I have with the boss, he kept me waiting about things so long. Damn tired of this.
Also because I'm all alone here now, I feel more depressed than ever.

I applied for another job on another hotel.
Now I'm just praying to god to let me have it.

And to just keep on waiting for it all to be over with this hotel.

I'll be fine.

Home.

"Home" 

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home, mmm

May be surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters

That I wrote to you

Each one a line or two

I'm fine baby, how are you?

Well I would send them but I know

That it's just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I'm lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmm, I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far

From where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like

I'm living someone else's life

It's like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

That this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day

Has come and gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by

A million people I

I still feel alone

Oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I've had my run

Baby, I'm done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It'll all be all right

I'll be home tonight

I'm coming back home

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"Home is where love is."

They say that, but why don't I feel completely at home?

Is it because I have loved ones at both places?

I'm torn apart.

The last time I was home, I miss "'" and the island.

Now I'm still on the island, I miss home and my family. 

I wanna go home, but I don't want to leave "''.

"Wherever I am, I will miss home."

Suoi Tranh! - Tranh Waterfall

Omg this post is sooooooo backdated haha.

I went there on 25th November 2015 :x

But yeah, just want to post out those pictures I have and update my poor neglected bloggie.

So....

On that day, we rent a motorbike! It was 100000VND for a whole day, which I think is cheap :D
Ju drove, and hehe she's a good driver.
At first I was afraid, but then I relaxed and I really enjoyed it :D

The ride is about 15 minutes from Duong Dong town. We wasn't sure of the way, but Ju asked the locals along the way.

It was a peaceful and relaxing ride. The road is quite empty and wide, and in between lots of trees :D

Upon arriving at the place, you'll be greeted by...

This huge stone deco thingy lol. I have no idea what to call it.

Landscape deco?

Anyway once inside, there's quite a few figurines/deco for people to take photo lol.

I didn't take any haha.

The walk/hike up to the waterfall is about 15 minutes. It's generally an easy hike, but I see Ju panting away hahahha. 

There's also hammocks along the way :D

It's a nice hike, cause you're surrounded by so much natural beauty :D

Sounds of cicadas in the forest, and the tricking sound of water.

Views along the way.

After 15 minutes of those, we reached :D

Yeah, picture spams as always haha.

The pool at the falls is not really deep, maybe slightly less than 6ft.

The water was reallyyyyyy cold though. 

It's not very crowded, but there were a few groups of other visitors as well.

However towards 5.00pm, Ju and I were the only ones left :)

Which is how I managed to take those pictures haha.

I loved it, and I wish to visit again hehe.

It was just so very peaceful.

We left around 5.30pm I think, as it was getting cold and it will start to get dark at 5.45pm.

On the way down, we bought ice-cream! :D

Heh. ^_^

My favorite :D

After that we just head back to Duong Dong.

Ju drove through the market area and omg it was crowded!

In Malaysia we have car traffic jam, over here it's motorbike traffic jam hahaha.

She then brought me for dinner, we had something called Nem Nuong.

It's barbequed pork with rice noodle, salad, and chili sauce.

Quite nice. Especially the pork :D

After dinner I suggested walking along the pier by Dinh Cau.

It was nice, we were chatting and looking at the moon. :)

And that's it haha.

Recalling 2015 and New Year

A brand new year, and I'm still overwhelmed by 2015 to fully grasp that 2016 is already here.

If you ask me what is my best achievement in 2015, I would say, "Coming to Vietnam for work."

I've been here for 2 months now.
I still feel overwhelmed by all that has happened, and that is happening.

This is my best experience so far, learning to cope in a country I'm not familiar with, pushing my comfort zone and meeting new people, experience the beauty of staying by the sea, experience new foods, and working as a hotel pianist.

Also in 2015, I've completed my ABRSM Piano Practical exam, Grade 8.
I scored an unbelievable score of 142 out of 150. Holy shit it's distinction, my first ever distinction in my piano exam. I took Grade 1, 5, and 7 before, but none of them is distinction. My Grade 1 was merit, and Grade 5 & 7 only passed, nowhere near merit.

When my teacher told me my score, I refused to believe her at all. It was too much for me, I cried like an idiot. Tears of joy and fear, I was so afraid it was a mistake. I finally let myself believe when my mom sent me a picture of my exam result slip.

What is even more unbelievable is that I scored 29 out of 30, for all 3 of my pieces.
Oh god I'm still having a hard time believing. I really wish I could travel back and listen to myself play in the examination room.

Anyway, besides that, in 2015 I've finished with classes in college. There's a few assignments left, but that's it.

I've also experienced a kind of loneliness after I've moved out from my apartment in USJ, and started working almost everyday in hotels KL. I was alone a lot, driving to work by myself, walking around in malls and doing errands by myself. I've felt more grown up that ever, not sure if it's really my character and attitude, or just because I dress myself in gowns and makeup and heels.

Although I can think of 2015 and mostly great, there were still down parts of course.

I've lost a best friend, I have no idea what happened to him, but he just disappeared and couldn't be contacted at all. It hurts me, I've put my trust in him, and he just betrays it. I know he is alive, since I saw him online, but now he has either blocked me or deactivated his Facebook. I've given up trying to contact him, I tell myself it's not worth it. What's the point when someone is just pushing you away like that?

Also, it wasn't an easy year financially for my family. At least during August to October, I was working and it wasn't so bad.

Okay...I can't recall much anymore. All I thought of was me coming to Vietnam lol.

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Now, moving on.

During New Year Eve, I was working. Actually not exactly working, but I was by the stage on the beach of the hotel's New Year dinner. I played 3 songs, and just spend the evening and night watching other's performance and just chilling.

I will post about this one day ahahahhaah. After I've post all the others pending posts I want to make about my experience in Vietnam lolol.

Anyway on New Year, I am no longer single, and I have my first love.
It was not something I've ever expect before, and not something I've ever thought about
Hahha that's all I'm gonna say.

Also, I fell down from an electric bicycle on New Year hahhahhaa. Grazed my arm badly, and ended up not working for 3 days hahahhaahah.

I was happy that I didnt have to work at first la, but then the pain kicks in and REGRET ahhahaa.

Welp that's it I guess?

New Year Resolutions?

Be a better person.
This was told to me by my housemate last time, during 2015's New Year.

So yep, here's to become better in 2016.
Cheers.